What’s the Dewey Decimal code for poorly written tales of abuse?

Psst… Hey, audiobook app… That’s not romance.

Is there a category for stalky, rapey psychos?



I promise I’m done for the night after this, but… Eat a dick, Netflix!  

I don’t want to watch the rated version with housewife wank all over it. And I am sure as hell not buying this nonsense on Blu-Ray just to make fun of the real version. (And NO ONE thought to call that “Fifty Shades: Uncuffed?” Go fuck yourselves.)

Netflix sucks — first Adam Sandler, then that bullshit email on “no sports day,” and now I can’t even mock half-ass porn to the best of my abilities. I’ve been mock-blocked!

“It’s Friday night, and the mood is right…”

Life gave me lemons, and today’s mail gave me the Fifty Shades of Grey movie from Netflix.

*assembling lemon drop*
*spanking own ass*

Giddy up, Friday. 


Feminism, fetishism, and fapping, oh my!

The other night I met Caitlin Moran and she hugged me and called me beautiful and it was amazing.

And now they’ve posted a podcast of her reading, which I will listen to over and over again until I am also rad and British.

Also, a few reasons I so thoroughly enjoy her: she wonders aloud why Jane Eyre never masturbated; says she takes the publication of “Fifty Shades of Grey quite personally as the worst thing that’s ever happened to me;” and also backs me up in believing the best method for eating cream cheese is directly off one’s fingers.

Go. Listen. Read. Enjoy!

S&M Bear lived on the outskirts of Care Bear Village…

Dear Reader,

Is your significant other into S&M, furries, and terrible wannabe-Twilight fan fiction?

I just made your Valentine’s Day shopping easier than me after two martinis. You’re welcome.


Vermont Teddy Bear Fifty Shades of Grey BearIMG_3822