I promise I’m done for the night after this, but… Eat a dick, Netflix!  

I don’t want to watch the rated version with housewife wank all over it. And I am sure as hell not buying this nonsense on Blu-Ray just to make fun of the real version. (And NO ONE thought to call that “Fifty Shades: Uncuffed?” Go fuck yourselves.)

Netflix sucks — first Adam Sandler, then that bullshit email on “no sports day,” and now I can’t even mock half-ass porn to the best of my abilities. I’ve been mock-blocked!

Feminism, fetishism, and fapping, oh my!

The other night I met Caitlin Moran and she hugged me and called me beautiful and it was amazing.

And now they’ve posted a podcast of her reading, which I will listen to over and over again until I am also rad and British.

Also, a few reasons I so thoroughly enjoy her: she wonders aloud why Jane Eyre never masturbated; says she takes the publication of “Fifty Shades of Grey quite personally as the worst thing that’s ever happened to me;” and also backs me up in believing the best method for eating cream cheese is directly off one’s fingers.

Go. Listen. Read. Enjoy!

S&M Bear lived on the outskirts of Care Bear Village…

Dear Reader,

Is your significant other into S&M, furries, and terrible wannabe-Twilight fan fiction?

I just made your Valentine’s Day shopping easier than me after two martinis. You’re welcome.


Vermont Teddy Bear Fifty Shades of Grey BearIMG_3822

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.”

A friend sent me this Buzzfeed link — Here’s Why You Should See “Secretary” Before “Fifty Shades Of Grey” — and recommended that I see “Secretary” because she’d really enjoyed it.

My response: “Added to my Netflix queue! Also, given that it’s about S&M, I giggled a little when Netflix offered me the option to ‘Move to Top.’ (But then I did move to top, as is the proper order of things.)”

Fifty Shades of “GAH!”

I haven’t seen the trailer for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie yet, but I probably will see the movie when it comes to Netflix (or, let’s be honest, to Rifftrax).

But I think an undersung tragic side effect of all this whole debacle will be all the terrible “wink-wink, see what I did there?” puns in the news headlines.

Today’s examples:
— “Conservative Watchdogs Spank ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trailer”

— “‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Trailer Hits All the Right Spots”

Watch out, y’all. This might ruin puns for us all.