I’d rather be fat than dumb.

An acquaintance posted on Facebook that a bad stretch of depression had caused her to gain back weight she’d lost, and some cheery fitness fucker commented “Awe, you can do it again with exercising and eatting healthier again! It’s mind over matter. Everything in moderation. Tell yourself you can do it! πŸ’ͺπŸ˜πŸ‘”

OK, obviously I don’t know your life, but also? Blow me a little.

Who doesn’t know about diet and exercise IN THEORY? Everyone KNOWS about it, bitch — you ain’t droppin’ science. Don’t talk to her like she’s an idiot like she doesn’t already feel bad enough. Ass.

And it’s not “mind over matter” if your mind is what’s telling you cake will fix things, and guess what, cake DOES fix things.

Finally, UGH, the “Awe” instead of “Aw” — I think we can all agree those people can’t be trusted.

As always, Shonda Rhimes said it best…

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Not today, Satan.

“Naw, man. Naw. Shit, NAW, man! I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ somethin’ like that, man.” πŸ–•πŸΌ

“That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

I just noticed that Guy I Dated for a Minute has RSVP’ed “yes” to a mutual friend’s holiday party I also said “yes” to.

Whatever, fuckface — I ain’t scared.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to spend the next 3 weeks getting pretty and practicing ignoring douchebags. Because that’s what Jesus would do.

(I’ve realized recently that whole thing messed me up more than it should have. But screw it, that’s what therapy’s for. Let’s dance, Psyche.)

Observations on trying to eat better

1. Salad is stupid. Fuck off with your leaves, salad. I’m not a goddamn giraffe.

2. Trying to solve problems without burying them in fried cheese is like trying to count to purple.

3. Jesus turned water into wine because even HE knew water is some bullshit.