In which I equate my vagina with a Slip ‘N Slide

There’s a “self summary” section at the top of each OkCupid profile. The end of mine says: “I’m attracted to friends and romantic prospects who use their words. I don’t know what to do with first messages that only say ‘hey’ or ‘hi,’ and will delete them immediately. But getting them at least helps me quickly discern who’s reading about me as an actual human, versus who just looks at photos and wants to do naked things to me.”

On average, I still get one “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” each day. Almost always lowercase, no punctuation.

Since no one reads it, anyway, I might as well include the REAL explanation: “I am incredibly turned on by wit and language, and you can transform my ladybits into the world’s best/worst Slip ‘N Slide just by giving good email. Just ‘hi’ not only keeps my panties ON, it makes me want to go to JCPenney and buy some of those high-top beige cotton draw’s that, on a person as short as I am, can be pulled up far enough to tuck the waistband under my bra and fashion a really upsetting onesie. Use your words, be nice to servers, nibble the back of my neck, tend to my vagina with gusto, know what ‘gusto’ means, get yourself laid.”

I’m really not a difficult puzzle to solve.

“Hi! My name is [huh?], my name is [what?]…”

My username on OkCupid is SmugWrites, but with my actual name.

The first line of my profile is, “Hi, I’m Smug.” (Actual name.)

So obviously I get a message this morning: “Hi I’m ben,what’s your name?”

Half an hour later, Ben sends a follow-up: “?” (Yep. Just the question mark.)

I reported this to a teacher friend who summed it up nicely: “Ben doesn’t read for comprehension.”