You did the fuck NOT.

SANJOSEVia The Guardian: San Jose Mercury News says sorry for ‘insensitive’ Simone Manuel headline.

You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.

I stand corrected. (And agape.)

“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!

It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…became the first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”

*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps! 


Fresh Off the NOPE

First message on OkCupid: “So out of all the people who message you how many would you say are asian?”

*blink* Uh…

It’s FROM an Asian guy, but still, what a strange first question. Am I supposed to respond with a number? That’d be pretty fucked up — I’m pretty sure it’s not cool to track the number of people from any given race who’ve messaged me. Plus, I don’t have time to be racist. It seems exhausting to divvy up my misanthropy into groups.

Also, you probably meant “what percentage.” If I said none of them have been Asian, but I’ve only had three guys message me in total, that’s not really statistically significant.

…Aaand now you’ve just forced me into heckling an Asian person about math. Thanks, now I AM a racist. Dick.

“No offense, but I prefer RED flags.”

I’m clearly not the most politically correct person.


Here are some actual, verbatim things I’ve seen in OkCupid profiles, and I can’t believe anyone wrote them. You can THINK whatever you want, but…you wrote it down. Where people can SEE it. People into whom you are endeavoring to put your penis.

1. “I’m affectionate (alright, maybe a little cuddle friendly…I’m trying not to be too limp wristed here).”

2. “I’m german, irish and native american (indian, but the dreamcatching, raindancing, tomahawk-chopping kind, not hindian).”

3. “I prefer Caucasian women attractive and in shape.”

4. “My taste is specific to girls who are described as either thin, petite, or athletic…sorry, but big girls are not within the range of my interest. No offense intended, but only Caucasians or Asians.”

In which my appearance is validated by the denizens of OkCupid

Email from OkCupid, subject: “Smug, You are Hot!”

“Hey Smug, We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working! To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience: You’ll see more attractive people in your results. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people. Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.”

A few things…

  1. Pfft. Duh. I’m adorable.
  2. Also, they send that to everyone.
  3. And if they DON’T send it to everyone, why the HELL were you not showing me attractive people before? Did I really have to gather a certain number of profile “likes” before you declassified me as an Ugly? So now, what, you’ll skip the white supremacists offering me anal and start sending me…cuter white supremacists offering me anal?
  4. There’s been no change whatsoever in my matches. Some attractive to me, some not so attractive to me, and that’s…sort of how life works.