I’m just saying, my standards are skewed.

Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”

Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”

Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?

(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂

“What’s your magic number?”

I’m sure this isn’t true of all women, but I just learned that 11 is the maximum number of times I’ll let a guy who scares me look at my (still photo-less) online dating profile without talking to me.

Sorry, sir, you give me the willies. I’m already wondering who’s gonna play me in the Lifetime movie based on this true story*. Gotta block you.

Also, your username is DanCurvesLeft**, and there’s no part of me that wants that. None of my happy places are to the left. I might be able to work with it, but…you’re creepy. And sure, maybe you’re referring to your baseball pitch, but again, you’re Creepy Creeperson, so I’m not willing to risk it.

*For the record, if you can get Anna Kendrick to stoop to Lifetime movies, she’s my first casting choice.

**Not his real username. I’m a bitch, not an asshole. May he find lifelong happiness with girl who enjoys attention and has an off-center g-spot.

Capitalizing my Lady Business

For several years after I first started having sex, I didn’t think a man could give me a clitoral orgasm, and I didn’t really enjoy receiving oral sex. (It wasn’t unpleasant, but I was always more G-spot-oriented.)

Looking back, I’m really glad I never gave up. Good for you, Lady Parts.* Way to evolve.

*Oh, yeah, I capitalize it now. They’ve earned it!