I was looking for a different Garfunkel & Oates video for a later post, but I saw this in the YouTube sidebar so I’m sharing it first.
I’ve posted this before, but it’s been a while, and it’s always worth hearing again. But also, I HAVE in fact gotten that drunk text at 3 in the morning, and it was indeed “SO close, but not quite there.”
Last night I went to Margaret Atwood’s booksigning at the Philly Free Library. Look at me, all feminist and intellectual and shit. Classy as fuck, right?
Um, yeah, leading up to the event, I was having this hilar-balls group text with friends…
Friend 1: “What kind of classes should I teach at the sex boutique besides oral sex?” Friend 2: “Something about body confidence in the bedroom? Toys, why to use them, different ways to incorporate them.” Me: “Confidence for sure. Maybe consent? Intro BDSM? Handjob Blandjob?” Friend 1: “I’m the WORST at handjobs!” Me: “That’s because they’re not a real thing.” Friend 1: “That’s shit you do on your own. I’ll never be as good.” Me: “Right? I hired you to use your mouth. I HAVE hands.” Friend 1: “I could probably teach a class about how to incorporate toys into coupled sex.” Me: “Yes. Because I have no idea. Well, wait… There was that one time. But nothing I did with that asshole counts. (To be clear, I did nothing to his asshole. He was just a shithead who brought a toy.)” Friend 2: “I like giving handjobs…but only if they don’t take forever.” Friend 1: “I’m terrible at them, hate doing them, always have, always will.” Me: “I like a happy man who’s not looking to put things in my butt. If he needs a handjob, I’ll DO it, but I just feel like I could be more useful.” Friend 2: “Agreed, but sometimes my knees are sore and I need to change it up. (Sorry, is this too much?)” Me: “Yes, we clearly have a “too much” threshold. 🙂 Also, my hands and wrists are FUCKED from phone/computer use, so handjobs hurt, AND I’m bad at them.” Friend 1: “Handjobs take forever. At least with a blowjob I can incorporate my hands to give my mouth a rest. I’m hardly ever on my knees. I just move around if I’m uncomfortable.” Friend 2: “Eh, sometimes they take forever, sometimes not. And I prefer BJs, and prefer my knees (good angle for all involved).” Me: “Anyone else really want dick now? (Now, see, THAT’s too much.)” Friend 2: “I do. Husband should thank you both. (I see your ‘too much’ and raise you.)” Me: “Ha! You’re welcome, Husband.” Friend 1: “Boyfriend will also be benefiting from this conversation.” Me: “Meanwhile, I’m at a feminist booksigning. No dick in sight.” Friend 2: “Maybe there will be literary dick?” Me: “Heh. Maybe. Or bar dick afterward.”