Waffling on Waffles Guy

So, Friday night I had a first date — waffles! — with an OkCupid guy. After waffles, we walked around New Hope, and he seems nice and likes standup comedy. I didn’t feel a huge spark, but he’s cute, and…like…he’s fine. He’s a dude. *shrug*

He walked me to my car and we agreed to a second date later this week. Then for the goodbye, I thought he was just aiming for a hug, so I leaned my face toward his shoulder, but then he kissed my cheek while I did that, so I thought, “Crap, did I just dodge a kiss on my mouth? I didn’t mean to do that. I like kissing.”

So because I’m a dipshit, I texted him at a light on my way home and said, “Don’t know if I inadvertently dodged the kiss or if you’re just a gentleman, but next time…”

And his response was, “First and foremost a gentleman.”

You guys? You know how I know he’s too nice for me? Because after he said that, my brain thought, “Aw, that’s sweet,” and then my ladyparts were all, “We would fuck him senseless right this minute.”

Even just from a hug, I keep smelling him faintly on me. GOD, I love that.

I don’t think I’ve ever NOT kissed a guy on a first date. So before Friday, I’d officially gotten my ass spanked in a Ford Focus on a first date more times than I’ve not kissed someone. (That is to say, once. And also, shut up.)

But again, I texted my friends after the date and said, “I’ll go out with him one more time, but from his texts and this first encounter… I don’t know, I don’t think he’s One of Us.”

I know I don’t want a relationship just yet, but it’s not terribly promising if I don’t think we even click well enough to be friends. But we’ll try one more time. At a minimum, I must kiss.

“I was on the moon…with Steve!”

I just found out my sister’s friend is coming along on our “family” vacation, and the way she told me was, “Steve is coming with us if you want anyone to share a room/split costs with. Ahem… :)”

Did my sister just suggest AGAIN that I bang her friend?

I didn’t tell this story because it wasn’t worth reporting, but I’ve met the guy — she tried to set us up a few months ago when he visited from CA. So we had a few drinks and he took me back to his hotel room at 2 a.m. and….talked my fucking ear off about the nature of the universe and my biggest fears until I was half-unconscious. Dude, we JUST met!

I chose to drive home in a pseudo-coma rather than sleep in his extra bed when he offered, just so I wouldn’t have to listen to him anymore. (I was still in the Bad Place then, so it was all I could do not to say, “Do you know that if you shut the hell up, you can fuck me senseless and you won’t have to call me tomorrow or pretty much ever again?”)*

Do you know how much you have to talk for ME to say you talk too much? It’s like me fucking telling you fucking swear too fucking much. And also? Fuck.

So no, I will not be sharing a room with Steve. I will require a minimum of 6 hours of alone time each day so as not to murder my family, and now I’d also have to kill Steve, who probably wouldn’t stop talking even in death.

*To his credit, even if he HAD known that, he probably wouldn’t have, because he’s, like, an actual gentleman, even if he does talk too much.

Smashing the patriarchy. Of coffee. 

A male coworker and I got to the coffee pot at the same time, and he did the gentlemanly hand gesture and said, “After you.”

I enjoy being a woman.

Yes, I’m terrible feminist, but really, if getting to the legal, addictive stimulants first is the only way I know how to use my feminine wiles, that seems relatively harmless.


Wait, what?

A nice, gentlemanly first message from someone on OKCupid?

I don’t understand. I mean, that sentence is clearly English, yet I don’t know how to process it.

Where are the overtures of buttsex with which I’m so familiar? Nothing about my vagina at all?

I think he’s a unicorn.

Or maybe he’s just being a gentleman and he’s saving the offer of anal for the second email. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Oh, and let me save y’all some time. Ahem…

“What are you doing on a dating site? You are emotionally fucked six ways to Sunday! You have intimacy, daddy, and trust issues — that’s the trifecta! You are destined to die alone and sexually frustrated. What the hell are you doing?!”

All valid concerns, and rest assured, I’ve been over them. Haven’t solved a one of ’em, but…um… The first step is admitting you have a problem?

Re-blog: “24 Rules for Being a Gentleman in 2014”

Kind of “don’t be a dick” rules for everyone, really.

But this one got to me: “Do not sleep with anyone who wants a relationship from you that you are not prepared to give. Using their affection to get something from them physically is easy, but it makes you a bad person.”