In this issue: 10 new and exciting ways to feel bad about yourself! 

I got this in the mail today and immediately checked to make sure my subscription expires soon, because there is nothing about their redesign that doesn’t make me feel old as fuck.

You get your bullshit font RIGHT the hell off my lawn! *shakes fist* Hmph — YOUTHS!

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Worst. Jubilee. Ever. 

So, we all know I’m going to hell, but I read today that the Pope says it’s OK for priests to absolve women of the sin of abortion, but only during Jubilee.

I don’t know what Jubilee is, and I kind of don’t even want to learn, because…Abortion Jubilee? Are you serious? That’s amazing. That could be my band.

I looked up Jubilee and it actually sounds quite lovely. So go forth and abort, ladies. Don’t forget to get your cards punched — remember, pay for 5, get the 6th free, AND you get the t-shirt.*

* I was gonna say “you get the fetus phone, but a) That’s pretty fucked up, and b) The “Sports Illustrated” football phone analogy is a tad dated. (Ahem. Get off my lawn!)