I am why I cannot have nice things. 

Shopping for dishes and realizing I will never be a fine china type. $140 per 5-piece place setting? Oh, OK. I’ll get right on that, Kate Spade. See also: blow me. 

I need to buy dishes because I’m a giant, spazzy klutz and I’ve broken most of mine. Even if someone else bought them for me, on the cold day in hell I ever get married and have a registry, I just can’t be trusted. That’s all I need is to break a teacup and envision $28 of Great Aunt Millie’s hard-earned retirement money in tiny shards on my kitchen floor. 

I am the person for whom they invented Corelle.