Well, I mean…the slogan WAS “eat fresh.”
From the department of “I’m going to hell”…
I just said something looked “more forced than buttsex on an altar boy.”
(Does it need to be said that I don’t actually find child molestation funny, nor do I have any qualms about religion? I did not invite that metaphor into my brain — I’m not sitting here thinking of pedo jokes as a habit. But I did think it was too good not to share. If you like, just substitute ME for the altar boy, because I don’t want that nonsense in my ass, either.)
I’m going to hell, but you know what’s pretty easy to part with when you’re cleaning?
Divorced folks’ wedding photos.
I saw a white-trash hoodrat outside a convenience store, and he was wearing a Nike shirt that said, “Damn, I’m good.”
First thought: “I bet you’re not.”
Second thought: “At what, evading child support?”
I’m going to hell.
Quotable: “He’s a good Christian boy, so he won’t come home with me. Well, unless I’m willing to do anal.”
Conversation with a friend…
Friend: “Mission: Flirt with Cute Barista. My phone continues to insist that ‘barista’ is not a word and changes it to ‘baptists.’ Not the same thing. Some Baptists don’t even drink coffee, phone.”
Me: “I could flirt with cute baptists. Wait, will a baptist sleep with me? Because if they don’t like coffee OR sex, I might have to discriminate based on religion for the first time in my life.”
Friend: “Depends on how baptist they are. I dated one for 4+ years and he slept with me, but he also was convinced that God would smite him for it. So… I’d avoid them.”
My friend and I discussing her daughter’s (my goddaughter’s) baptism, which she’s been meaning to plan for some time and hasn’t gotten around to it…
Me: “Yeah, it’s time to get that kid Jesused. I have a dress, and a hankering for white chocolate molded Jesusry on a stick.”
Friend: “Mmm, chocolate crosses.”
Me: “Mmm, sweet, candied Jesus. Heh, my new favorite expression — ‘Sweet candied Jesus, that was amazing!'”
Friend: “Jesus should always be candied. Don’t forget about the holy cake.”
Me: “I always like my spirituality with a side of cake. Also, shit — now I’m picturing candied yam Christ. Even I think that’s inappropriate…”