Nope, you ruined it.

I saw a guy on Bumble I might like to get to know better, but his profile said “SB/SD welcome.”

I am An Old and had NO idea what that meant. So I Googled it at work, which is how you should always learn about something you’ve never heard of that’s pretty likely to be some freaky sex shit.

Not REALLY, but turns out it’s “sugar baby/sugar daddy,” and…ew.

Dude, I just wanna fuck you — why you gotta make it weird?

The only way I need YOU to pamper me is by going down on me for a respectable length of time. I can handle my own…spa treatments or jewelry or whatever the hell.

Plus, I think I’m too old to be a “sugar baby.” I threw up in my mouth a bit just typing it. 🤢

Hard pass.

I had therapy this morning, and was made to discuss my feelings, and because of this personal assault, I must unfortunately decline to participate in Monday.

🎵 “Let’s Get Physical…ly and Psychologically Ill…” 🎶

So… I guess when I was a kid I really liked the Olivia Newton-John song “Physical.” I genuinely thought it was about working out.

But now it’s just SUPER weird when my father posts the video to his Facebook page and tags me.

Uhhhh… Ahem…

🙋🏻‍♀️

Dad?

That song’s about screwing. Like…A LOT.

Could you maybe not?

To all the men I’ve blown before…

I’m not sure how I continue to be surprised at the appalling things my family will like and share on Facebook.

My father just shared a fucking Monica Lewinsky joke about all this Nike ad nonsense, and here’s what really chaps my ass — the joke wasn’t even FUNNY. (“Believe in something, even if it means swallowing everything. Just do it.” HA HA HA HA, OH WAIT, NO, that is actually a shitty joke.)

Dad, you and I are about to have a conversation about all the miscellaneous dicks I had in MY mouth at age 22, and how maybe I’d love to not be judged for it decades later and pulled into TOTALLY UNRELATED ISSUES, because the dudes were complete morons. I didn’t even have the self-esteem to AIM for the president — I was jocking my manager at a Blockbuster Video in Jersey, getting finger-banged in the candy closet. (To this day, if I see a box of Sno-Caps, I get MOIST.)

Also, just…fucking EW! I’m your daughter, and you have nieces and grandchildren! I know you’re a dude and all, but CHRIST!

It’s possible I need to lay off Facebook for a while. Or just mute my own goddamn father. Again.

Breast isn’t always best

All I’m sayin’ is, your tits are bigger than mine, sir, so if I’M not allowed to be topless in public, YOU shouldn’t be, either.

OK, now you’re just being a dick.

This seems like a perfectly rational response to a Facebook post by my fit, attractive local meteorologists.

But seriously, 9 miles? On your DINNER BREAK?! Go fuck yourselves. You ain’t right. Do you not KNOW about tacos?

“Naw, man. Naw. Shit, naw, man…”

So, hey, here’s a hella gross billboard I saw on my way home.

The road to hell is paved with my tweets.

Hi, I just got pet-named by a door.

First message on OkCupid:

A. I have a name, and it is not “babe.”
B. Maybe don’t refer to my appearance in any way when YOUR photo is of…I’m guessing a door?

Fuck you, douche-bros

1. It’s not even a CLEVER rape-y poem.

2. Ladies, let us all encourage our youth to remember they are worth more than Natty Light. You hold out for Yuengling, girls. And also for men who don’t do shit like this.

(Is it clear I’m not making light of this but rather attempting humor so I don’t smash my computer at work in some sort of tiny white woman Hulk rage? OK, good.)

Creepy email inviting freshman co-eds to party prompts fliers on Penn campus: Students take stand to show support for incoming female students.