In which I have no interest in sexually transmitting the common cold

The bad news: I had to postpone the other OkCupid date I had scheduled tomorrow. I still have residual plague and it really wouldn’t be cute if I were coughing up my entire lung over coffee.

The good news: Now there’s time to get my hair cut and colored, get various waxes and a manicure like I’m an Actual Woman, and for my menstrual cycle to end, because I’m definitely not above third base on a first date. (He gives good text; he can skip ahead a bit.)

Make way for my Dating Representative, y’all. She’s virtually hairless and wears heels. It’s on.

In which I look sexy…until I fall down.

Bam. Look out, y’all. #HellOnHeels

(And, by “Look out,” obviously I mean, “Look out for me when I inevitably trip and fall.”)  

A woman’s right to shoes/”It’s blamin’ men, hallelujah!”

One more on last night’s yoga class:

It was all women in the class, and at one point the instructor had us rotate our ankles, because “a lot of your acupressure points for hormonal issues are in your ankles. Makes sense, doesn’t it? No wonder we have those issues, men make us wear those high heels!”

Ahem.

1. You don’t even wear high heels, Hippie, I can tell. You wear Birkenstocks if you wear shoes at all. You just walk around on a groovy hemp-based cloud.

2. No man has ever MADE me wear anything. I wear heels because I’m 2 feet tall and chubby, so if and when I CHOOSE put on heels, I’m taller, and my legs and ass look AMAZING, and they add bonus sway to my Olivia Pope strut. Do I wear heels to attract men by tricking them into thinking I’m sexy? Absolutely. But they don’t MAKE me. (And yeah, I know I’ve been raised by male-controlled media to think all this is true, but…I mean, it’s true. Heels make me feel sexy and bad-ass. Blow me, Birkenstock.)

3. Ever leave heels on for a guy? That right there is how you get pancakes after.

#HellOnHeels

#TBT/Kelly Clarkson worship

Just in time for #TBT, a friend just posted a list of Kelly Clarkson covers, and it is amazing, but this was obviously the first one I watched. I like the original better, but there’s something to be said for watching it come from a white-girl-angst-ridden blonde with some hips. (Ahem.)

“Hell on Heels” is also delightful. I always think of that song when I’m Olivia-Pope-strutting in heels.