Sometimes I worry that I’m SUPER-stereotypically white when I dance — just awkward and stiff, totally unsexy, as if my hips need to be oiled, Tin-Man-style, and with no rhythm whatsoever.
This is not one of those times.
I’m easily amused to begin with, but I’m also up too late, silly-tired, and have spent most of the evening glued to Twitter, which may explain why I’m so entertained by these…
Just saw Katy Perry on TV, soundchecking “Roar” at the #DNC.
FUCK. I’m-a cry proud, empowered tears for the sisterhood tonight, aren’t I?
Via Poynter: Seattle Times apologizes to readers for Clinton front page:
Aw. Well, that’s nice.
Ahem.
Your move, All the Other Fucking Papers that Did the Same Fucking Thing.
*sigh* Just…just… UGH. Go fuck yourself, seriously. Hard. With one of the scarier, more invasive dildos.
I don’t give a single kitten’s dick who you’re voting for — no one would have asked a man that question. No one.
Hmm… OK, wait, MAYBE someone would’ve asked Chris Christie. And whoever did would still be a total fucking asshole. But I’d wager they wouldn’t, because Christie probably could and would slap the Massengill outta ya for that kinda bullshit.
A friend of mine had a better reaction: “If you watch closely, there’s a split second where she turns and looks at someone who clearly GETS IT and her face just says, ‘FUCK THESE ASSHOLES. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.’ At least, that’s what *I* saw. Then she visibly squared herself to take on the bullshit sexism of the world and had another bite of her fucking sundae.” 
WOW. Can you just…stop saying things?
Sometimes I shut my goddamn mouth specifically to avoid saying something stupid. You know, like THAT.
Via Huffington Post: John Kasich Is Seemingly Baffled By Young Women Who Get Politics. 
Like… HOW? HOW? HOW are you at a mic in front of a crowd, thinking, “Oh. OH! This’ll be great, I’ll say THIS!” And then he trots offstage all, “You guys! Did you see? NAILED IT!”
They DO let women vote now, Governor. I know, right? I was shocked, too! But I watched “Suffragette” the other day and apparently it’s a thing! Obviously I’m not 100% sure because there’s so little room in my brain for facts next to Taylor Swift and rainbows, but..Votes from the Vaginal WOULD add to your bottom line, no? (And I do mean “bottom,” because you’re totally fucked here.)
Any politician worth electing would at LEAST give us pretty little ladies the ILLUSION that he gave a shit. Bernie Sanders has effectively assembled a goddamn army of ride-or-dies, with a shit-ton of Millennials ready to do his bidding, at least until their Adderall wears off. And Donald Drumpf has found his niche of angry middle-class (read: po’) white folk ready to make America great again. Whatever disagreements I have with them, those guys know how to work that pole.
Jesus Christ, Kasich — who the fuck taught you how to pander?
A friend sent this to me: “Cruz wanted Texas sex to mimic assembling Ikea furniture: a dutiful, results-oriented process enacted without the assistance of substantial tools.”
Via Slate.com: Ted Cruz Once Argued That Selling Dildos Should Be Illegal 
Which is super weird, because he looks so enthusiastic in that photo, like he’s all, “Yaaay, dildos!”
(Again, this is not about politics, so don’t argue with me — this is about dildos. You find me an article about Sanders or Clinton trying to outlaw my vibrator, I’ll post that, too. Dildos transcend politics. Dildos reach across the aisle. Dildos are something we can all come together on. [I’m done now. I think… Wait, one more time — dildo. OK, now I’m done.])
Much like the people who make disgusting jokes about Chris Christie’s weight, we need to knock THIS shit right the hell off.
I’m not even following this clusterfuck election closely. But I know there are plenty of joke-WORTHY aspects of Hillary’s campaign without resorting to easy blowjob jokes from a nearly 20-year-old scandal during her HUSBAND’S administration. And I say this as a supporter of the easy blowjob joke. I just like the jokes to be, um…FUNNY.
How are we STILL slut-shaming a woman who made a bad call at age 22, or attacking Hillary for it, rather than placing the blame on Bill Clinton’s raggedy cheating ass? I know there was plenty of that at the time, and maybe there are Internet memes to that effect now. I just happened to see this today, and have seen others like it, and they flip my bitch switch.
Sure, Hillary’s potentially bringing that philandering fuck back to the White House with her, but what do I care where HIS cock has been if SHE’S President? If he’s off banging interns, that’s more time for her to get shit done without him trying to hillbilly-man-splain international affairs. (Because clearly he’s more concerned with domestic ones — HEY-O!)
I guess because none of these dipshits are going to fix ANYTHING, EVER, maybe it’s just all one big joke at this point. But damn…get better jokes.
P.S. Donald Drumpf is the exception. Please let us all continue joking about him. Hair. Voice. Delusion. Have at it.
Smug Singleton 