Cockblocking Cupid

Honestly, how did people ever end doomed online dating “relationships” without the iPhone’s number-block feature?

What? Is that NOT how I’m supposed to do it?

I’m not an asshole, he is, and a creeper to boot. Trust, this was merited, and sanctioned by a panel of experts.

During the most intense of the phone flirting, you said you wanted to “impale”* me with your dick, and later told me you like your ladies in white cotton underthings, considered aloud that it made you sound a little pedo, but said it anyway? *deep breath* I’m out.

There was more, if that’s not enough.

It’s my fault, really. I should’ve known when I saw his name was “Phyl.” You know, like “Phil,” except you’re an asshole. Goddamn hipsters.

* That’s not just me, right? I realize I’m not exactly after “sweet, gentle, love-making” here — I definitely need to be banged the hell out of. Probably twice, just to make sure we unclench all the Crazy. But isn’t “impale” a tad aggressive? I’d really like to live through this transaction, sir.

Suit up for sexytimes!

Friend: “Lingerie for men is a hilarious concept, which sort of makes me mad. I feel like boxer briefs should count. So should men in nice suits.”

Me: “OMG. Men in suits… I’d like to think if the men in my office knew how quickly I’d sleep with them, they’d dress better. Goddamn hipsters.”

(By the way, yes, I AM absolute shit at fashion. What, you’ve never seen a hypocrite before?)