New Year, New (Fuck) You

Definitely what you want during all this “new year, new you” shit is to feel like a failure on Day 1 because last year’s dirty dishes are still in your sink.

Eat a dick, Time.

Trigger-happy allergy meds.

There’s been a strict “no visitors” policy in my bedroom since that last asshat, so I haven’t been too concerned with housekeeping in there, or returning things to their designated space.

So I’m in bed, and I just grabbed nasal spray I had on the table next to the bed. (I? Am sexy.) And while I was opening it, it spritzed a little on my stomach.

Do I even need to finish the joke?