James and the Giant Breach

Disclaimer: I am aware that everything I’m about to say makes me a complete asshole.

Still with me? Excellent.

First OkCupid message:

“Hello Smug! I think I love you(r) amazing sense of humor, sarcasm, and snarkiness.”

*hyperventilating* Oh, OK. Apparently even a JOKE about love gives me a tiny anxiety attack.

“Can we please go people watch together, because you just might be my match. Like when you’re holding hands and your fingers fill the spaces in the others persons hand. I bet we’d have fun in Wal Mart!”

…Wait, what?

“My name is James. Let’s just start with the basics… Favorite color, beverage, food (Just kidding, let’s do this over a drink! )”

I don’t even know my favorite color because I am neither 8 years old nor Buddy the Elf. My favorite foods/drinks are in my profile because OKC asks for them. The profile also says I’m not meeting anyone immediately because I’m not becoming a Lifetime movie when you axe murder me.

“P.S. did I mention that I LOVE your sense of humor? The smile isn’t all that bad either…”

Jesus Christ on drums, James — stop saying “love.”

Fuck you, douche-bros

1. It’s not even a CLEVER rape-y poem.

2. Ladies, let us all encourage our youth to remember they are worth more than Natty Light. You hold out for Yuengling, girls. And also for men who don’t do shit like this.

(Is it clear I’m not making light of this but rather attempting humor so I don’t smash my computer at work in some sort of tiny white woman Hulk rage? OK, good.)

Creepy email inviting freshman co-eds to party prompts fliers on Penn campus: Students take stand to show support for incoming female students.

Endangering myself for humor

OK, yes, I am a hazard to myself and to others while driving, but…come on…  

Fifty Shades of…Whimsy?

OKCupid profile says the guy is interested in “exploring D/s and various fetishes with a sense of whimsy and humor.”

Um…no. Spank my ass and manhandle me if that’s how we’re playing, but don’t find it funny. Grab my hair and show me what you want. Ain’t shit whimsical about any of that. Do you SEE a unicorn? You do not.

Monday humor

This happens to me all the time.

Quotable

“I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.”
— Jen Lancaster