You’re not even a good fragrance of douche.

A few months ago I posted about a man from a neighboring office in my building. I pass him in the hall sometimes and we exchange workplace pleasantries. That day, though, he asked if I’d been dieting, because I looked “really good” and “like I’d lost weight.”

I’ve seen him a few times since, and we were back to, “Good morning, how are you?”

But I just saw him again and he said, “That’s a REALLY nice dress, it looks great on you!” And elevator-eyed me.

Dude, did you skip an HR seminar or something? The last time anyone looked at me like that at work, he and I were screwing around in office closets.

I feel like a hypocrite, too, because I wouldn’t have minded the compliment on my dress coming from a man I was attracted to, or even a man I knew. The phrasing of his weight loss/diet comment was unacceptable from anyone, though — was I previously too much of a heifer to look good?

*sigh* I need another shower.

I see what you did there. The question is, do YOU?

Ahem…The spokesmodel for Aveeno skincare products, ladies and gentlemen.

Via Huffington Post:

“The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing … a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty. Sometimes cultural standards just need a different perspective so we can see them for what they really are — a collective acceptance… a subconscious agreement. We are in charge of our agreement. Little girls everywhere are absorbing our agreement, passive or otherwise. And it begins early. The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into. This conditioning is something girls then carry into womanhood. We use celebrity ‘news’ to perpetuate this dehumanizing view of females, focused solely on one’s physical appearance, which tabloids turn into a sporting event of speculation.”

 

Suit up for sexytimes!

Friend: “Lingerie for men is a hilarious concept, which sort of makes me mad. I feel like boxer briefs should count. So should men in nice suits.”

Me: “OMG. Men in suits… I’d like to think if the men in my office knew how quickly I’d sleep with them, they’d dress better. Goddamn hipsters.”

(By the way, yes, I AM absolute shit at fashion. What, you’ve never seen a hypocrite before?)

‘Hot Dudes Reading’ and the Horny Hypocrisy

Dear Readers,

This is relevant to many of our mutual interests. I love you, and want you to be happy: ‘Hot Dudes Reading’ Books on Trains Is the Hottest Instagram Right Now

All my love,
Smug

P.S. I’m trying NOT to think of this as a gross invasion of privacy, because it doesn’t seem like these guys know they’re on this site, nor that they consented to be. And I’d be a little skeeved if someone put my photo on a “Hot Girls Reading” site. (I mean, they wouldn’t, I’m merely cute, but OK, then, a “Cute Girls Reading” site.)

But…they’re just so majestic and lovely. I’m sorry, gentlemen. I was under the influence of your dreaminess? Is my hypocrisy going to be a problem?

I know. I am a terrible person. Fortunately there’s no blood in my brain to really let that trouble me too much.

Nerd is the word.

A “friend” told me I could get the guys at the Apple Store to fix my phone for free if I wore a low-cut shirt when I went in.

Ahem.

1. I think this #YesAllWomen thing is working, y’all!

2. I hate that I’m half convinced he’s right, and half concerned my cleavage isn’t impressive enough to get me free stuff.

3. I think Apple dudes are above that, though. We’re not talking Lewis and Booger here — I think nerds* are embracing their power a little more now that we all have tiny computers in our pockets. We’re pretty much at their mercy and they know it. Plus, the guys at the Genius Bar could see much more than cleavage on their phones and rub one out in the store’s bathroom during their 15-minute break if shit really got dire — they don’t need ME. So as far as leverage, I think tech support > my tits. (Mine personally. Maybe yours can be exchanged for goods and services, and if so, good on you!)

3. Much as I’d love to tell you I’m totally offended because I’m such a great feminist and I’m better than that and “OMG, THE SISTERHOOD…” If that worked? I’d let it work. Fuck it, I’m broke. I’m not shattering a glass ceiling with a shattered iPhone — “That’s just… the rules of feminism.” They’re gonna look at my boobs no matter what. I’m sure as shit not giving them my money, too, if I don’t have to.

What, you’ve never seen a hypocrite before?

* I use “nerd” in the most loving connotation. Ain’t nothin’ sexier than a man who’ll fix my hard drive and then let me fix his. I’m a nerd hag. The Genius Bar is my meat market.