Exclamation pointless

I’m tempted to write back to this first OkCupid message, only to demand an explanation for that last exclamation point.

I have questions.

Is that, like, your punctuation money shot? You finish writing a standard message like a normal 45-year-old man but then you’re like, “Wait, you know what? …BAM, a RED one — unexpected, right?! Hash tag NAILED IT.”

Don’t you know the minimum is 15 pieces of flair, sir?

The most “The fuck?” baby I’ve ever seen.

I took this photo from the car while driving, so I’m sorry for the poor quality, but I drive past this billboard every day and I feel like everyone needs to behold its majesty.

image1

“What Not to Wear” — THAT. Don’t wear THAT. 

Aunt: “You look good, your outfit looks like an Ann Taylor ad.”

Me, aloud: “Thanks!”

Me, mentally: “Your outfit looks like ‘I have questions.'”

Praise be to any/all deities for providing me so many years of What Not to Wear, and other external influences to counteract an apparently genetic inclination to hide one’s body in giant clothes, or wear sweatpants to family parties.

P.S. I am a petty and small person. 

Fresh Off the NOPE

First message on OkCupid: “So out of all the people who message you how many would you say are asian?”

*blink* Uh…

It’s FROM an Asian guy, but still, what a strange first question. Am I supposed to respond with a number? That’d be pretty fucked up — I’m pretty sure it’s not cool to track the number of people from any given race who’ve messaged me. Plus, I don’t have time to be racist. It seems exhausting to divvy up my misanthropy into groups.

Also, you probably meant “what percentage.” If I said none of them have been Asian, but I’ve only had three guys message me in total, that’s not really statistically significant.

…Aaand now you’ve just forced me into heckling an Asian person about math. Thanks, now I AM a racist. Dick.

Mirror mirror…

I see a lot of guys on OkCupid who use selfies as profile pics. Sometimes mirror ones. Often the mirror is dirty.

I have questions.

First, don’t you own Windex? Vinegar? A ShamWow? I can’t get naked in your home if your mirror is all bedaubed with toothpaste remnants. I’m a lady, dammit. Plus it’ll turn into that “Big Bang Theory” episode where Sheldon can’t sleep because Penny’s apartment is messy: “I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom is our living room, and just outside our living room is that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway is…THIS!” And I am damn sure not cleaning while you sleep.

Second, don’t you have ANY photos someone else took? Do you have friends? Only two of my six profile pics are selfies: a really cute one taken post-haircut/color, and one mirror one I took after work so I’d have a really recent pic. The caption says: “With apologies for the mirror selfie, this is what I look like after work.” (Not at all true — after work I put on yoga pants and put my hair in a ponytail. But I’ll never let any of these dudes see that.)

Some guys have like 10 selfies, but only ONE facial expression, so it’s like Flat Stanley or the Twilight chick — the same face in various settings. “Here I am at home. Here I am at work. Here I am in a bar. Here I am in a PUBLIC restroom mirror, just for a bit of added class. That’s right, ladies… Behold.”

Fat-phobic or fat fetishist?

I woke up to a photo-less OkCupid guy’s FIRST message to me:

“Hey…Would you be willing to gain a little weight to please your man if you were in a committed relationship?
— Steve”

Well, Steve. First off, thanks for the flashback to that “Family Guy” episode where Peter stuffs cake down Lois’s gullet because he decides “fat sex is the hottest sex.”

But also, my OKC profile includes photos of my already-weighing-quite-enough body, because men love asking if “curvy” is code for “obese,” so I like to just get my mere “overweight” out there up-front.

So I can’t decide if Steve wants me bigger than I am because he wants more to love? Or maybe he wants me to say obesity is disgusting and that I am a superior, health-minded individual who would never fall prey to The Fats?

I have so many questions, Steve.