Dirty Swedish birdies.

*snort* C’mon, Ikea… You did this on purpose. Now I NEED bottles that were “mouth blown by skilled artisans.”

How, pray, do I become a skilled mouth-blowing artisan? Professionally, I mean — obviously I’ve been dabbling in the craft for quite some time already on an organic, grassroots level. But I’d like to explore the option of going pro.  

Will wed for Swedish home furnishings.

I’m still in bed under a mountain of blankets — LIKE AN AMERICAN. But I’m listening to a Louis C.K. bit where he says, “Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy you’ve been dating. And he’s mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him?”

Um…*raising hand* That’s, like, my dream. You come here right now and add pancakes to that equation, you’ve got yourself a bride, my friend.