Woman near the office coffee: “Oh, I like your sweater, it’s so pretty!”
Me: “Aw, thank you!”
She leaves the room.
Man near the office coffee: “I can’t say anything about your sweater because that would be creepy.”
Me: “Thank you, I appreciate that.”
Though, um…if you didn’t want to be creepy, maybe don’t bring it up at all? What with the wedding ring and all…maybe just shut up?
Also, I am apparently an asshole before I’ve had coffee.
Email to friends:
“Do we remember the friend of my brother’s I ‘dated’ more than a year ago? The one who left my birthday gift at my door while I wasn’t home 6 months later because after we ‘broke up’ I kept avoiding seeing him to get it?
“He just texted me a Wonder Woman thing, and I figured the unknown number was a Facebook friend (which he isn’t) who’d seen the Wonder Woman thing I just posted. I responded asking who it was and he said, ‘It’s Ben, but thanks for losing my number…again…lol,’ (I’d deleted it before and we had the same discussion), and then, ‘We have to catch up sometime.’
“Christ, I thought *I* couldn’t take a hint. At least when someone used ME for sex and then stopped talking to me, I went AWAY.
“This is why I refuse to date any more family friends. Catch up on what? We were never friends. We didn’t have conversations, we had sex, and I don’t feel the need to catch up on that.
“How do I always end up picking the guys who aren’t just happy to get their dick wet a few times and move on?
“To save you the time typing your (much appreciated) advice, I already blocked his number.”
Look, I know, I’m a coward and an asshole. I should be honest, but I really don’t know how other than the ‘I can’t date you anymore’ conversation we already had, and he reminds me of a time in my life I’m working really hard to get past.
Do you know why we’re no longer sleeping together, sir? I couldn’t get it up for you anymore because we didn’t have good conversations. The only thing we had in common was binge eating, and during the month we hung out, you disrespected the only, like, TWO boundaries I have. We didn’t start as friends, and I can’t BE friends with someone whose only redeeming quality is being good at oral sex. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a fantastic skill — I will endorse you for it on OKCupid or whatever. But we can’t go get coffee like we’re long-lost besties.
(Again, I know. I’m a dick. In my defense, I told him up front I had issues, and he thought it was all quirky and cute and Deschanel. No, it’s bitchy and irrational. Fine line.)
I didn’t know I even HAD a filter until I posted something here, re-read it, and suddenly realized what an asshole I sounded like. It wasn’t even funny, just douchey, and not even a good scent of douche. I aspire to Summer Rain at all times.
Also, my phone thinks “douchey” is capitalized — it tries to autocorrect. This pleases me. It makes it fancy and proper. I’m sure the Massengil gods are appeased.
Talking to friends yesterday: “I think I may have successfully ended a ‘friends with benefits’ thing with simple avoidance. I haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks. So…Yay, cowardice?”
Two hours later I get a text: “Hey stranger how goes things?”
Ahhh, shit.
Fine, I’ll be an adult. (I know, I know — I’m an asshole and I hate myself and I wouldn’t want to be treated that way and BLAH. Trust me, self-loathing already covered it. But I really did think it was a double fadeaway.)
Surprising no one, I’ve once again made a giant mess of dating and adulthood. That’s it, I quit. I’ll be in my blanket fort eating Kraft mac & cheese. Boys are stupid and they have cooties. (Alternately, I’m an asshole.)
I am the only woman in the WORLD with such rampant mental issues that I can’t decide if I’m touched or annoyed when a guy shows up at my door unannounced to surprise me by delivering the exact breakfast I’d mentioned I was craving.
And my expressive face is great in bed but apparently not so good when surprised, because he texted me after he left and said he didn’t mean to overstep.
I’m an asshole.
Smug Singleton 