I just dropped flaky bits of cinnamon bun into my cleavage, in case you were wondering if I could BE any sexier.
Normally I listen to standup comedy while I get ready for work, but I noticed the entire notion of “morning,” especially “rainy morning,” offers much less “fuck this shit” when I have music on. So today I put my iPod on shuffle and heard:
1. An Amy Winehouse song called “Amy Amy Amy” about dolling oneself up for a workplace flirtation…while I examined a pair of jeans I pulled from the hamper to make sure they weren’t the ones I dropped guacamole on the other day.
2. “The Thong Song,” while wearing llama-print hipster briefs.
3. “Hell on Heels,” flip flops.
I am basically sex on a stick, you guys. I don’t even know how y’all deal with me.
P.S. There was also “Shut Up and Drive” by Rihanna, which proclaims, “I got class like a ’57 Cadillac,” which…clearly, with the guacamole and the llamas and the $2 Old Navy flip flops. But also, “got all the drive and a whole lotta boom in the back,” which — pfft — is TOTALLY true.
Email from OkCupid, subject: “Smug, You are Hot!”
“Hey Smug, We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working! To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience: You’ll see more attractive people in your results. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people. Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.”
A few things…
- Pfft. Duh. I’m adorable.
- Also, they send that to everyone.
- And if they DON’T send it to everyone, why the HELL were you not showing me attractive people before? Did I really have to gather a certain number of profile “likes” before you declassified me as an Ugly? So now, what, you’ll skip the white supremacists offering me anal and start sending me…cuter white supremacists offering me anal?
- There’s been no change whatsoever in my matches. Some attractive to me, some not so attractive to me, and that’s…sort of how life works.
Getting dressed for work today, it occurred to me that nothing — NOTHING! — says “sexy lady down for sexy times” like a pair of extra-large panties with pandas printed on them.
Boy shorts, no less.
“I’m sexy and I know it. Look at that body. I work out!” (<– I don't work out. Hence the XL draw's.)