Beautifull of shit

I don’t think I ever roll my eyes harder than when a man on OkCupid comes at me with “Hello beautiful” (<– Lack of punctuation his, not mine.)

First, I HAVE a name. It’s in my profile. Twice.

Also, I’m 41, so please don’t make me quote Meghan Trainor: “Call me beautiful, so original, tellin’ me I’m not like other girls…”

I’m cute, dude. It’s OK, I know my lane. “Beautiful” seems to be some sort of résumé keyword men* say to average-looking chicks, assuming we all want to hear it and it’ll fast-track them into our draw’s.

BTW, it hadn’t occurred to me that “not like other girls” was a line until I heard this song. In hindsight, it makes sense—I am a special little lady snowflake…just like everybody else. My deep-seated desperation to feel unique is probably evident, so of course men would use it to infiltrate.

P.S. If I ever write a book, I’m calling it “Little Lady Snowflake.”

*SOME men. #NotAll. I know.

#NoPants for the win.

dress 2.00.39 PM.jpeg

One of the many things I love about being a woman: I’m at work, wearing a dress similar to this one.

So basically I’m, like, six strategic seams away from wearing lingerie or a long tank top in public, and everyone’s totally fine with it.

All the right junk (yours) in all the right places (mine)

OK, FINE, OkCupid! Jeez, I stand corrected: In the past hour, you’ve brought me two cute, seemingly literate men who have liked my profile and sent first messages.

And when I say “cute,” I mean “cute” in the way of, um…stirrings.

Not “You’re cute and maybe we’ll get to know each other and you’ll get cuter.” It’s a, “Hey. You’re hot and formed sentences, one of which said I’m funny. Come remedy this situation that seems to be developing in my pants.”

Ahem. “I’ll be in my bunk.”

Theory: abbreviated words = abbreviated sex.

Aw, you guys!

I got a message from this guy on OkCupid asking, “u dtf?”

So, listen, it’s been fun and all, but I probably can’t write this blog anymore now that I’ve found the love of my life. I should really go start shopping for my wedding dress.


I just mentioned the other day that all those shirtless dudes were looking for “DTF” girl. And I totally AM “DTF” — I will bang you like a gavel, that’s just not how you get me to do it. You can’t get in my pants with abbreviations; it feels like you’re not motivated enough to fuck me to completion.