So I guess narcotics seem easier than sex now?

I had surgery last year and they gave me Percocet just in case the pain exceeded Advil levels during recovery. It never did, but I still have it, and I’m not GONNA take it recreationally, but…during late-night anxious insomnia, I gotta say, I understand the appeal. My entire body feels clenched, and hush your mouth — I KNOW I probably just need that fucked outta me. 🙄

Better sleep via balls on my face. 

We interrupt my “guided meditation for insomnia” to report that the soothing Australian man’s voice just told me the “ball of peace” I’d been instructed to imagine rolling all over my body — including letting it gently massage my palms and fingers — has just “split into 1,000 tiny balls” that I am supposed to “feel rolling around, massaging every muscle in your face.”



Peaceful balls. 

On my face.

It never occurred to be I’d be too juvenile to meditate. Too high-strung, maybe, definitely too squirrelly. But, hey, no one said anything about balls on my face. Who can relax with balls on their face? I have questions. 

“Your cheeks… chin… mouth… teeth… tongue…”

Wait, what? I’m really against using my teeth on balls unless it’s specifically requested, which, P.S., it’s never been. I am not subtle enough to dabble there. When I bite, I tend to leave marks. Basically what I’m saying is that I can’t be trusted with balls, even in the meditative sense.

And 1,000 of them?! Shiiiiiiit. At least they’re peaceful. I’d hate to have 1,000 angry balls on my face. 

But OK. I’ll try the balls. I need balls, I guess. I hope the Australian knows what he’s getting his into here.