I outsmarted therapy.

How to Stump Your Therapist:

“I know thinking everything is pointless is a symptom of depression, but…five days a week, I leave a perfectly valid internet connection at my house to sit in rush hour traffic for an hour and drive to a *different* internet connection in a cubicle. I email files back and forth for 8 hours and then drive home, also in traffic, to return to my original internet connection. I’m pretty sure if you looked up the word ‘pointless,’ that would at LEAST be a secondary definition.”

And I’m not depressed currently, but Christ, that is depressing.

I would do anything for sanity…but I won’t do THAT…

My friend is taking November off from all her social media, and I’m over here like, “Um, I MIGHT last a weekend…” #junkie

Instagram eats more dick than I do.

I’ve had some thoughts loitering in the back of my brain about my current relationship-like experience, and its similarities to a past experience that was much worse, brain-wise.

So obviously, as further evidence of my iPhone’s forthcoming sentience, I went on Instagram and it was like, “Hey! You might know Past Experience!”

Fuck you, Instagram.

That’s OK, though — again, the beauty of getting over the much worse past experience is knowing that THIS experience, comparatively, ain’t shit.

“OK, Google — when will you quit bullshitting?”

I often refer to Google as my religion, so I really hope they pull their heads out of their asses here.

‘Cause, yeah, I can have principles and change my email addresses and use different search engines and storage sites, but…it’s fucking Google. No one cares. I’d be like those assholes who tried to boycott “Hamilton” — sure, sweetie, good luck with that.

Also, I mean…you can’t get that data? Can’t you just Google it?

Know-it-all nipples

Today someone found this blog by searching “smug nipples.”

I fucking love you people.

Advent-ageous

33 Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Being A Woman

When you force me to navigate a slideshow, I generally want terrible things to happen to you and never find the article worthy of all those clicks.

But then sometimes I almost choke to death on an animal cracker when I snort-laugh, and it makes it all worthwhile:

(Plus, excellent integration of Easy A.)

You get NO stars, dickhole.

I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.

 

My friendship with Internet science is decidedly NOT magic

Well. That is excellent.

I mean, I already knew, from that clusterfuck with That Guy and a few experiences since — I’m going through one now, actually. I am clearly a shit judge of friendship, but knowing there’s science afoot doesn’t make it any less depressing.

Thanks, Internet. You are NOT my friend. At least I know that.

Sad Study Shows Most of Your Friends Don’t Actually Like You

A plea for smarter sexism

Much like the people who make disgusting jokes about Chris Christie’s weight, we need to knock THIS shit right the hell off.

I’m not even following this clusterfuck election closely. But I know there are plenty of joke-WORTHY aspects of Hillary’s campaign without resorting to easy blowjob jokes from a nearly 20-year-old scandal during her HUSBAND’S administration. And I say this as a supporter of the easy blowjob joke. I just like the jokes to be, um…FUNNY.

How are we STILL slut-shaming a woman who made a bad call at age 22, or attacking Hillary for it, rather than placing the blame on Bill Clinton’s raggedy cheating ass? I know there was plenty of that at the time, and maybe there are Internet memes to that effect now. I just happened to see this today, and have seen others like it, and they flip my bitch switch.

Sure, Hillary’s potentially bringing that philandering fuck back to the White House with her, but what do I care where HIS cock has been if SHE’S President? If he’s off banging interns, that’s more time for her to get shit done without him trying to hillbilly-man-splain international affairs. (Because clearly he’s more concerned with domestic ones — HEY-O!)

I guess because none of these dipshits are going to fix ANYTHING, EVER, maybe it’s just all one big joke at this point. But damn…get better jokes.

P.S. Donald Drumpf is the exception. Please let us all continue joking about him. Hair. Voice. Delusion. Have at it.

From the Department of The Internet Can Go Fuck Itself…