As long as I seem to be experiencing odd, latent-adolescent emotional crises, let us revisit the master:
“I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me, like he had taken possession of my soul or something. And then one day… I got over him.
“It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart. And I was free.”
I took a break from a friendship, which…you know, is a totally healthy and rational thing to need. (It IS, when you can’t seem to stop yourself from repeatedly telling your friend you want to date him, but he’s not into you and you’re just making it weird.)
I’ve spent almost 2 years since my breakup struggling to pull myself out of being all “Behind These Hazel Eyes,” and it SUCKS, so I’m trying for more of a “Since U Been Gone” situation here. (Obviously it would also be ideal if I could stop defining my love life via Kelly Clarkson songs.)
It’s incredibly difficult some days (eg, yesterday), but What Doesn’t Kill Me Makes Me Stronger…Shit.
Sidebar: I wonder if my hair would do that. To the curling iron!
I’ve been attracted to a good friend of mine for a long time (about a year), and there’s been some pretty heavy mutual flirtation, but he has a girlfriend. Yes, a serious one. And no, I’m not trying to break them up — first, I’m not an asshole; second, I wouldn’t win that battle; third, even if I “won,” I wouldn’t know what I wanted from him. I’ll just stick to dating/breaking up with transient morons, rather than someone I want to ensure remains my friend at a minimum for a long time. But our interaction was making me feel a number of things that were not OK for either of us.
ANYWAY. I sent an email to another friend about this, saying:
“He and I are OK, I think. We had a conversation, and now it’s possible we’re both faking it ’til we make it, but we’ve been talking normally and not flirting. It’s like a fog lifted: I’m still into him, but I’m too cute to place second. Plus, I have to get a fucking job (or a job fucking), but either way, I can’t be dealing with that right now. If it’s meant to be something else, it will be when the time is right. For now, I got shit to do.”
This discussion happened about 2 weeks ago. Even though he and I have both tried 100 times before to be “just friends,” I think we’re finally on the same page at the same time, so it’s actually working. Neither of us is goading the other into flirting, and I’m not being needy or throwing myself at him — aspects of my personality that I HATE but sometimes can’t control. If nothing else, I don’t want to be in any relationship (even a friendship) where I’m That Girl, so that needs to get settled first. I think it was happening as a byproduct of an otherwise restless time in my life, so I have to take care of me first. (Which, by the way, still feels absurd. I’m an “adult,” right? How do I still have so much to work on just to be the kind of person I WANT to be?) But I don’t want to be That Girl, I am NOT That Girl, and I’m not interested in the kind of guy who’d be into That Girl. So That Girl needs to get bitch-slapped.
In addition to still being in love with my ex, I also have a massive, unrelenting crush on a guy whose girlfriend (yep, hella awkward) looks like Shailene Woodley.
And I look like me. Out-fucking-standing.
I know, I know — “I am beautiful, no matter what they say, words can’t bring me down.” Fiiiiiine. Can I wallow in my blandness today and be all about confidence and empowerment tomorrow?
Smug Singleton 