I chose the Jezebel piece because it has screenshots of what he actually said, which my local source probably couldn’t print because it’s goddamn vile. But if you have a minute, please DO check out the Philly.com article and get a gander at his HANDWRITTEN resignation letter (ON BLUE PAPER. IN ALL CAPS):
You are running for TOWNSHIP COMMITTEE in a small town in South Jersey—maybe don’t step to a journalist at a well-known NATIONAL news site with your psychotic, poorly punctuated bullshit? It still counts as a threat if you write like a first grader, shitheel.
Also, forget celebrities — the “sexiest man alive” is whichever man is making me come and then making me snacks. I’m starting my own magazine for sexy men. I just need a name. What’s a shorter version of “He’ll go down on you ’til you’re a mere shell of your former self, and then he’ll make you nachos?”
Macho Nachos magazine? (Crotchos would just be vulgar.)
Culinary COMEfort magazine? (You could do Cumfort, but I’ve always hated that spelling.)
I read about HelloFlo on Jezebel.com, and while I’m totally on board with the kiddie starter set of basic feminine care needs and some candy on a monthly auto-delivery (which, hey, solid plan), I’d also like to set myself up on some kind of Old Pro’s Plan. (OMG, we could be down with OPP!)
I’m thinking the same base idea with the feminine products, but add a selection of salty snacks, a few pints of ice cream, fancy chocolates, a heating pad, and a bottle of Aleve. Super customizable to fit your Special Snowflake Cycle needs — whatever your ladyparts demand, obviously, you just have to check a box. (See what I did there?)
I’d probably give you $100 a month if that just appeared at my door every few weeks via some sort of Magical Menses Unicorn. Or, you know, UPS, whatever. (Though, I mean…there should clearly BE a Magical Menses Unicorn. I’m just saying.)