Introducing Amazon Prime’s Asshole Plan…

An acquaintance shared this on Facebook:

I only bothered reading the first 20 or so comments, so maybe someone said it beyond that, but I didn’t see anyone suggest maybe, um…NOT lying to your spouse about your spending habits?

One of the comments LEGIT advised using Amazon’s lockers so the husbands wouldn’t see.

*sigh* You go enjoy your very healthy marriage. I’m single, so what the shit do *I* know?

Also, “HA HA HA, we’re women and we love to shop and we do so irresponsibly and then lie about it, HA HA HA FUNNY HA HA.”

(I know, I know — it’s a joke and I’m a buzzkill.)

Mansplain as can be

I don’t like the word “mansplaining.” I don’t think it’s a clever enough blend to have caught on the way it has, unless I’m misunderstanding. But I also can’t come up with anything better.

“Dicksplaining” at least gets the sound right, and mansplainers ARE often dicks, but it’s probably too late to win this battle.

Anyway. This is still a solid joke I saw on Twitter.

A plea for smarter sexism

Much like the people who make disgusting jokes about Chris Christie’s weight, we need to knock THIS shit right the hell off.

I’m not even following this clusterfuck election closely. But I know there are plenty of joke-WORTHY aspects of Hillary’s campaign without resorting to easy blowjob jokes from a nearly 20-year-old scandal during her HUSBAND’S administration. And I say this as a supporter of the easy blowjob joke. I just like the jokes to be, um…FUNNY.

How are we STILL slut-shaming a woman who made a bad call at age 22, or attacking Hillary for it, rather than placing the blame on Bill Clinton’s raggedy cheating ass? I know there was plenty of that at the time, and maybe there are Internet memes to that effect now. I just happened to see this today, and have seen others like it, and they flip my bitch switch.

Sure, Hillary’s potentially bringing that philandering fuck back to the White House with her, but what do I care where HIS cock has been if SHE’S President? If he’s off banging interns, that’s more time for her to get shit done without him trying to hillbilly-man-splain international affairs. (Because clearly he’s more concerned with domestic ones — HEY-O!)

I guess because none of these dipshits are going to fix ANYTHING, EVER, maybe it’s just all one big joke at this point. But damn…get better jokes.

P.S. Donald Drumpf is the exception. Please let us all continue joking about him. Hair. Voice. Delusion. Have at it.

Your plagiarism dries my panties.

A guy’s OkCupid profile quoted Mitch Hedberg twice without attribution.

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

I will not send him a message suggesting he cite his source…

His profile says he’s “inspired” by comedians. Um, no, dude, you’re just stealing shit, and trying way too hard to be clever. I can FEEL the “Aren’t I cute and clever?”* desperation emanating from his profile. (I know my own.)

*George Carlin, by the way.

The Urban Legend of Squad Goals

I’ve been debating joining a local blogging group, but I’m hesitant, mostly because I really do want this page to stay… I guess SEMI-private? I don’t mind if close friends see it, because they know I’m a sailor-mouth nutcase, but I’d prefer that my dad not, because…ew.

Also, I have some issues with the content, like… I don’t know if I’m ashamed of this stuff or not. This page is basically my id’s blog — it’s what comes out when I let go of my filter, which is admittedly faulty sometimes. I was in mixed company the other night and made some jokes I’d make here, but I was thinking about it afterward, like, “Why did you say that? They’re going to think you’re slutty and you’ve never even DONE that.”

I alternate between a blustery, “Pfft, whatEVER, I give ZERO fucks what these people think. I am awesome and hilarious and my tribe gets me” and “I am a Carrie-Bradshaw-wannabe hack who’s not funny OR sexy, and they’re going to think I’m trashy and find my grandpa and tell him I say ‘fuck’ on the Internet.'”

Much like the rest of my life, I guess it’s time to give some thought to what I want this blog to be — if I want to continue the id of it all, or maybe write something else under my real name. Or both. Or neither.

UGH. THOUGHTS. We’ll add this to career and personal goal development, because you know what I found out, you guys? There are some people who don’t just obtain a job and then pray they don’t lose it. They, like, DO shit to advance their careers and their lives, and they have these, um… “aspirations,” I think was the word? Freaky, right? Next you’re gonna tell me people really floss.

Thoughts at breakfast

“I’m rockin’ this diet… until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn’t cure sad. Cookies release endorphins that make you feel better. Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works out. It’s a dick of a fruit.”

Comedy Central’s Joke of the Day

It’s called a blowJOB for a reason.

I want y’all to know that, in my drafts folder, there are four different variations on a blowjob joke. I’m debating which one I like best before I post it.

Because THAT is the kind of quality craftsmanship you can expect from Smug Singleton. (In jokes and in actual blowjobs. Hey-o!)

“Soft kitty, warm kitty…”

I just found out today is National Cat Day. There’s a “pussy” joke to be made here, but I don’t have it in me.

On the “writing” process…

Quotable Kathleen Madigan:

“People say, ‘How do you write a joke?’ Most of the time I don’t — I just call home. And I say, ‘What are you guys doing?’ And I repeat what they’ve said to me and I make money.”