I’m impressed with my suddenly seemingly stronger constitution, which did allow me to cry about my hurt feelings every chance I got for 36 hours, but then suddenly it was like, “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Person Who Hurt Me,” and then there were pancakes and a new vibrator and everything was kind of OK again.
P.S. Oh, eat a dick, iPhone. You know good goddamn well what I meant, you judgey whore.
Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: Appearance Edition
— He’s prettier than I am.
— He looks like he weighs less than I do. (I weigh less than 150 lbs., so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I don’t want to worry about breaking you during sex.)
— He looks like Kurt from Glee, so I can’t even think of him sexually, I just want to keep him in my pocket.
— Porn stache.
I would never judge another woman for behaving the way I have for the past year. So I have no idea why I’m being such a bitch to myself, but goddamn, my brain is an asshole sometimes.