In which one technology judges another. Also, there are pancakes. 

I’m impressed with my suddenly seemingly stronger constitution, which did allow me to cry about my hurt feelings every chance I got for 36 hours, but then suddenly it was like, “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Person Who Hurt Me,” and then there were pancakes and a new vibrator and everything was kind of OK again.

P.S. Oh, eat a dick, iPhone. You know good goddamn well what I meant, you judgey whore.

Really, the porn stache was the biggest dealbreaker.

Reasons I’ve Clicked “Pass” on OKCupid Profiles: Appearance Edition

— He’s prettier than I am.
— He looks like he weighs less than I do. (I weigh less than 150 lbs., so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I don’t want to worry about breaking you during sex.)
— He looks like Kurt from Glee, so I can’t even think of him sexually, I just want to keep him in my pocket.
— Porn stache.