Text to friends this morning:
“Sometimes I forget I follow Kink Shoppe on Instagram, until I’m half-asleep and procrastinating getting out of bed and it’s like, “‘Oh, hey! Well, good morning to you, too, giant purple sex toys!’
P.S. Ha ha, my phone was at 37%. “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!” “In a row?!”
I keep it classy on alllll the Internets:
Great news, you guys — I’m getting married!
His name is Nova, which translated loosely from the Spanish means: “You ain’t gon’ be able to go NOwhere when we’re done.”
We’re registered at Bed Bath & Beyond, but we really only need extra bedsheets and towels, so y’all best hustle to make sure no one snags the good stuff and leaves you stuck with, like, one lone pillow sham.
Oh, and if you could also send the traditional celebration pizza now, that’d be super. I’m STARVING, but I can’t move, and Nova’s not so great in the kitchen. But no matter — he’s my best friend and my soulmate, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. ❤️
Re: @yvettestjames blowjob class: “I already knew HOW, but it’s like knowing how to fight & then getting a chance to train with Mr. Miyagi.”
There was a woman in the blowjob class who brought along a notebook that said on the front, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
That’s probably totally what Ghandi had in mind.
Tonight I’m going to learn how to put a condom on a banana using my mouth. So… My Friday night is probably gonna be different than most.
“How do you expect me to grow if you won’t let me blow?”
Another fun and informative class at Kink Shoppe with Yvette St. James — toys and apps and lubes, oh my! More classes to come! (Heh.)
Also, many thanks to the Kink staff for filling me in (tee hee) on the features of my next life investment…
So weird, I was just thinking the other day that I should take some sort of class to improve my skill set and better myself, to bring more value into my life and, really, into the world.
So I guess this came (heh) into my life at exactly the right time. It’s like the Serendipity of blowjob classes… It’s Serendickity. (I’ll stop now.)
I can’t go to this class, but you should: 
“It’s finally time to find out everything about sex you wish you’d been taught in school. It’s never too late to learn how to make sex better, the ways our bodies function, STIs, birth control, and much more. Come ready with an open mind and lots of questions, and leave feeling confident with knowledge you can use.”
Here’s the instructor’s Twitter. She’s pretty badass, and also one of my favorite people.
And as long I’m pimpin’, do you follow me? You totally should. I’m kind of adorable.
In happier news, I thought you’d all like to know this is a thing that exists in the world.
Tragically my sex toy budget is already at its limit for fiscal 2016, but I am *thisclose* to crowd-funding this thing.
Smug Singleton 