Conversation with a girlfriend…
Friend: “Did you see a doctor?”
Me: “Yeah, because you see those commercials now where some earnest, well-intentioned woman is all, ‘Hey, is your shit different? You might be dying! Of the lady cancers!'”
Friend: “Well, If your SHIT is different, that’s really never optimal.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m not checking THAT. Whatever that is, if it happens, I’ll just die from it. But my ladybits are good, the doctor told me.”
Conversation with a friend…
Friend: “Mission: Flirt with Cute Barista. My phone continues to insist that ‘barista’ is not a word and changes it to ‘baptists.’ Not the same thing. Some Baptists don’t even drink coffee, phone.”
Me: “I could flirt with cute baptists. Wait, will a baptist sleep with me? Because if they don’t like coffee OR sex, I might have to discriminate based on religion for the first time in my life.”
Friend: “Depends on how baptist they are. I dated one for 4+ years and he slept with me, but he also was convinced that God would smite him for it. So… I’d avoid them.”
In conversation with friends:
Friend #1: “You either do anal or you don’t. It’s not a sliding scale.”
Me and Friend #2, in unison: “Bwah ha ha ha.”
Friend #1: “…Goddammit.”
Conversation with a friend:
Friend: “Man, if semen tasted like peanut butter…”
Me: “Oh, I’d be tapping that shit like a keg.”
Friend: “You’d think God would figure out a way to make that happen.”
Me: “Well, God or Pfizer.”
Smug Singleton 