Masturbation for my nation.

I’m watching Creed, but it’s hard to hear over my copious masturbation whenever I see Michael B. Jordan with his shirt off. I have such a lady boner for my country right now. He probably has patriotism in his pants. UNF — let freedom RING, y’all. 🇺🇸 

P.S. Hey, I grew up on that street! Or “shtreet,” I suppose, in keeping with the parlance of my people. #RespectTheJawn #EastCoastSwang

Stephen Colbert can report from my pants

I am so aroused by this that I’m blushing while watching it at work. I’m actually uncomfortable and a little squirmy.

Shut up.

Colbert doesn’t get involved until about 3:10, but Jesus God, he’s, like, gasping and breathing heavy and I might need to go take care of a few things…with a mop…

Judging by my reaction to hearing it through headphones, if he got breathy even remotely near my ear in person, I would lose my goddamn mind. #truthiness

G’day, Mrs. Robinson 

In an email titled “Goddamn whippersnapper,” a friend sent me this Buzzfeed article, and I need someone to make this guy NOT 20. He can’t be 20. He doesn’t look 20. That is massively unfair, as is this lady boner I have for him. 

 I am a goddamn dirty old lady. I could have babysat him. I could not, legally*, get him drunk enough to fuck me, because you know he only bangs other 20-year-old supermodels and, in his eyes, I might as well be that vat of fat Oprah wheeled out in the wagon that time, a reference this guy WOULD NOT GET BECAUSE HE IS FUCKING TWENTY. Twen-TY.

My vagina doesn’t seem to care about any of this information. I’ll be in my bunk.

*The friend points out that I COULD legally get him drunk enough to fuck me in his home country, so now I’m looking into flights to Australia, as well as the safest ways to approach and cuddle koalas, and the going rate for a keg of Foster’s. (Note to self: Rent Crocodile Dundee. I bet he’s never seen THAT, either. I have so much to teach him, you guys. First and fore[play]most: how appreciative middle-aged women can be when you go down on them.)

My lady boner for Stephen Colbert continues…

I’m sure it’s unhealthy that the only reason I want a TV in my bedroom is so I can masturbate during The Colbert Report and fall asleep immediately after without having to get up and go to bed.

Stephen Colbert is sexy as hell, don’t judge me. My vagina wants the Colbert bump.