Profane in the membrane

My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”

Well, first off, fuck you.

But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!

Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.

Ain’t no shame in my Philly pizza game.

Oh, right, now I remember why I’d unfollowed the Be Well Philly page — I don’t do food guilt. They allude to it frequently and…no.

Tonight I order my pizza with a side of NO FUCKS.bwp

Also? I’m sorry, but who the balls says “pizza pie” in Phila-goddamn-delphia?

That said, I’ll totally eat that pizza. And then probably some pie.

P.S. It’s entirely possible — nay, probable — that they were just being cute and I’m a total asshole. I just have a lot of feelings about pizza. 

What the fucking fuck, man?

I know I’m a half-ass “lady” at best, but…

A man in my office, who’s old enough to be my father, was just making small talk with me, and he said, “I have jury duty next week. What a pain in the ass, I have to take the fuckin’ train in…”WHOA. Watch your fucking mouth, motherfucker! This is a fucking place of business, and I am a fucking LADY!

Do you, like, smell the hoodrat on me? Is there something about my face that makes you think this is acceptable? It’s not even that I’m a woman — it’s just bad manners, and you KNOW you have bad manners if I’M the one pointing it out. But also… yes, as long as wage gaps and thigh gaps are things I’m just expected to deal with, I do expect a base level of civility and etiquette until you get the all-clear that I’m cool with that kind of rapport, especially at work, especially when you’re a grown-ass man, shitdick.

(I had a similar reaction when a 21-year-old female assistant used “fuck” during our second at-work conversation. BITCH, I am old enough to be your mother, and I will knock the “fuck” right out of your FACE.)

Ugh. Just stop it. Please?

Daily Mail headline/lede via Google News:

“Chelsea Clinton shows off post-baby body at the Clinton Foundation Day of Action: Chelsea Clinton showed up ready to get her hands dirty at a Palm Springs volunteer event Sunday where the mom of just four months looked impressively slim and self-assured in a close-fitting t-shirt, skinny jeans and an unmistakable pair of cowboy boots.”

Ahem… Fuck you. Just because.

(I know, it’s Daily Mail, but…ugh.)

“We’re gonna snatch that pussy and put him in a box and take him on the airplane.”**

Via The Huffington Post: There’s One Word You Should Never Use in Sexting.

Well, sure, but it’s not like anyone is sexting the word “penis,” either. Both words are unsexy because they’re just too clinical. I don’t know why they focused on “vagina.” (Maybe because it’s such a great thing to focus on — hey-o!)

Having said that, I’ll say “cock” or “dick,” but I have this weird thing where I can’t say any of the slang words for “vagina” in an actual sexual context. I end up going with “inside me.”

And yes, I do understand how weird that bit of prudishness is, given that I clearly have no issues talking about my vaginal shenanigans on a public blog. But “pussy” looks like it’s pus-related; “cunt” is an insult; “snatch” is a verb; I can’t even process “twat” — mine is too lovely to be called such a vulgar word; and no one has used “box” that way since like 1976. So I’m at a loss, cunning-linguistically.

** The title of this post is taken from an old George Carlin bit.