Aaaand we’re done here.

The “gentlemanly” OKCupid guy made way too big a deal about the fact that I’m looking for “just friends” right now.

First off, jagoff, you saw my profile and started the conversation. You asked me about that part, so it’s not like you didn’t see it. And no, that does not mean “friends with benefits,” and fuck you for even asking during our FIRST conversation. You haven’t even met me — that photo I sent could be from 10 years and 100 lbs ago. (It’s not, I’m adorable, but that’s not the point.)

Second, don’t you know the Chris Rock bit? “You know what a [male] friend is to a woman? It’s like a dick in a glass case. ‘In case of emergency, break open glass.'”

I just need to make sure you’re not a moron, and then maybe, OK? I hate realizing guys are dumb after we get naked, it’s the worst! One time I found out a guy I’d hooked up with REALLY liked Larry the Cable Guy — like so much that he’d paid to see him in concert. I let someone see me naked who had also seen Larry the Cable Guy live. Never again, you guys. Never again.

If you’re smart and funny, know how to treat a lady, and are nice to restaurant servers, do you know how quickly I’ll let you bend me over furniture? (That’s the attitude of a “lady,” right? Don’t answer that…)

Whatever, dude, your loss. I almost pity the fool who’s under me when this tension gets released. You couldn’t handle it, anyway.