I got an email from Ulta, and one of the featured products is called “Better than Sex” mascara.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some terrible sex, and I’ve had some great mascara. But the sex has always been at least marginally superior, even if only because someone bought me food first.
I considered that mascara has helped me GET sex by making me prettier, but I don’t think that’s true. Lipstick, maybe, but I’m fairly certain no man has ever looked at any woman’s eyelashes and decided not to fuck her. (“Dude, she’s SO hot. Those hips, that hair, that rack… But nah, I’m not going to go talk to her. Did you see her eyelashes?! Bitch, please.”) But hey, maybe I’m underestimating y’all as a gender. Maybe a plump set of…lashes really does it for you.
However, I’m nothing if not thorough, so just as Nars Orgasm blush changed my life, I’ll clearly have to try this mascara. For, um, research. FOR SCIENCE.