What could you POSSIBLY want from me?

If there’s something weird that CAN happen with an ex-boyfriend, that weird thing is going to happen to me.

“Hey, what’s up, we never actually DATED 15 years ago, we just slept together, and never spoke again after I told you that needed to stop. But sure, by all means, send me a Facebook message request (because we’re not FB friends) that’s just the automated wave.”

I dated…SO many weirdos, you guys. And it’s ALWAYS the weirdos. No ex I WANT to hear from ever contacts me.

Also, I should mention that HIS WIFE has viewed my LinkedIn profile at least three times over the years. Maybe I’m in the running to be their guest star. (🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼!)

“He looks like a cool drink of water, but he’s candy coated misery…”

Oh, OK, that’s not weird at all. Someone I slept with 20 years ago and never heard from again just looked at my LinkedIn profile?

Sure, why not?

Pfft. Whatever. Dude’s name was Heath — I fucked him because I thought he’d be filled with toffee.

The greatest LinkedIn notification I’ve ever received…

Elbows Guy: The Final Chapter…I think…

Email to a female friend, subject: “Be proud.”

Me: “When I wrote the email telling Elbows Guy I don’t want a second date, I revised a few different ways, but each time made myself remove the words ‘I’m sorry.'”

Friend: “I am VERY proud of you. Well done.”

Me: “I didn’t even lie and say I met someone. I just said I didn’t want to.”

I ran the email past a male friend first to get a man’s perspective, to ensure it wasn’t douchey but didn’t leave room for debate. He said the email would be fine for a normal guy, but told me with this dude, I may get asked for an explanation.

Five minutes after I sent the email, I got a text from the Bitches Get Shit Done group: “You will survive being uncomfortable. You may even be better off for it.” Kelly Sue DeConnick is the aunt I’ve always wanted.

P.S. I just saw that he looked at my LinkedIn profile yesterday, which is not at all disconcerting. I think it’s locked down to just my network, though… Probably…

P.P.S. I underestimated him. He replied politely and even thanked me for NOT doing The Fadeaway. I mean, he said it in a way that made it sound as if all women do that (and maybe they do, to him), but I’ll still give him a point for it. Only one, though — he’d lost 50 points for heckling my dry elbow skin while all the moisture he needed was IN MY VAGINA, so he’s still netting out at -49.

I hope it’s cool that you’ll have be naked for your interview.

Another on office attraction…

Um, no, YOU’RE taking a former coworker’s LinkedIn post looking for a new job as an opportunity to lure him and his giant hands into your office, OR just to give him your phone number.

Shut up.

I met him at my last job, shook his hand, and immediately wanted to have sex with him. He’s literally the only person I’ve known on sight I wanted to sleep with — normally it starts with, “I can work with your face and body” and gets more/less intense with conversation. This guy, I don’t even care if he has a personality, as long as those hands do things to me.

This may or may not be influenced by the fact that my libido has been on absolute CRACK for the past 5 days. I think I need an actual person, one with weight, so he can, um…get the job done correctly. Silicone’s just not working for me anymore. 

I don’t THINK he’s married, but it’s been about 18 months since I’ve seen him, so who knows. He has my number now, though, so he can do with it, and me, whatever he wants.

Neither missing me by my hair nor missing me everywhere…

Seems fitting for Groundhog Day, but with advance apologies to the few readers who emailed me to say I shouldn’t waste anymore time in this place…

This is the point in the That Guy cycle when I’m worried we’re not actually done — that I’ll let my guard down and then he’ll pop up somewhere. It’s been a discernible pattern, so much that I’m in a mental fighting stance every time I check any element of my digital existence.

I don’t think it’s going to happen this time. We weren’t exactly kind to each other. And he wasn’t trying to resurrect our friendship, which it turns out we never HAD. He was just finally confirming he’d been using my body and affection to make himself feel better, and that I was inadequate in both capacities. (Still a great feeling if you ever get the chance.)

Logistically, I don’t see how he COULD pop up. He can still see this page because it’s public (everybody wave!). I’m not changing that to avoid one person. (Unless it’s, like, Dexter.) But I don’t think he’s going to “like” anything after I gave him a bunch of shit about liking posts about my body or masturbation.

I think I’ve taken every other precaution, but I’m still a little on edge. When I stopped speaking to him last New Year’s, I don’t think a month passed thereafter where he didn’t remind me he was checking on me — a text, blog like, Facebook friend request (to my professional account), a LinkedIn profile view. But I probably said enough that he’ll avoid setting off that particular powder keg again.

And we’ll just save it for therapy that I still miss him. (Shut UP, I don’t KNOW. He told me I “claim dysfunction and use it to explain away being wrong,” so…yeah, dibs on that. I was crazy, I thought we were friends — I was wrong. I’m basically Clarissa right now.)

Oddly, I think I’ll relax about all this around Valentine’s Day, since that’ll be about 6 weeks. I’ll aim to spend that day finally unclenched, hopefully in more ways than one, with a movie, a glass of wine, my bombass lasagna, and an obscene quantity of really good chocolate. Ideally with a man under me as well, but I think it’ll be a decent day either way. Me and my Valentine “Serenity” — in all the ways. Shiny.

Self-improvement via self-hatred

Note to self: LinkedIn is not a dating site. Stop being weird.

Also, it’s totally uncool to skip book club because there’s no one in the group you want to make out with. Get some culture, quit being an asshole.

Professional subtext

On LinkedIn, how many skills can a colleague — with whom you’ve never actually worked — endorse you for before it’s safe to infer a subtextual endorsement of presumed sexual proficiency?

What, like…nine?

Like, “She’s amazing at web content… and would probably also give enthusiastic blowjobs.”

On a related note, online dating sites should have skills endorsements. For sexual stuff is the obvious joke, but even just personality things your friends could do: “John endorses Jane for ‘good taste in movies/sharing her fries at dinner/bringing good beer to parties.'”

Technology is the worst.

I went on LinkedIn, and looked at who’s looked at my profile. (Because I am narcissistic.)

Um, yeah. You know who’s looked at me? The wife of some guy I used to work with and sleep with back in 2003. The job I met him at isn’t even listed on my LinkedIn profile, it was that long ago.

Why does weird shit with people’s husbands always happen to me on the Internet?

(By the way, he was single back then. I wasn’t fucking anyone’s husband.)