Subtext Messages

Therapist: “So, if you’ve been able to decide you don’t care what your family thinks about your life, why can’t you apply that thought process to your romantic relationships, rather than reading War and Peace-complex subtext into every interaction?”

Me: “Ummm… because my family are Birthers, and the people I date are not, so it’s not that simple? Divide my bill into minutes — I want a refund for that question.”

Stage 5 Clinger

Me: “Remind me never to sleep with anyone before laying out clear boundaries and determining they aren’t clingy.”

Friend: “To be fair, I think we did tell you that and you slept with him anyway.”

Me: “I’ll have none of your logic!!!”

“Do you think we can get Kat to take her Midol *before* she comes to class?”

Dear Brain,

Blame hormones all you want, but you’re being a bitch, and you need to stop. Bitchy is not fixing that situation. Nothing is fixing that situation except letting it go. Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.

No Love,

The Year of Terrible Life Choices

I’ve been looking at life all wrong. I was going to stay single for the rest of 2013, try to get my head right.

Upon further reflection, I think it’s best to just embrace 2013 as the year of Terrible Life Choices and start fresh on January 1.

(I realize calendar years are entirely arbitrary, and today could be the first day of the rest of my life, and whatever the fuck. But I think it’s clear I have no concept of logic. Hence, Smug 2014!)