Spackle your feelings with face cream!

Friend: “Do you ever buy new skincare and get super excited to try it, because just maybe it will fix your skin and all your problems?

“I went to Sephora today.”

Me: “Pretty much every time. I’m actually excited FOR you.”

Friend: “I got a sample of this and I’m very excited to try it. [preview ink]”

Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even click it yet, but fucking TIGER GRASS. NICE.”

‘What IS it?’

‘Fuck if I know, put it on my FACE.’”

Friend: “EXACTLY. It’s the grass of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight…”

Me: “‘It’s only $18! I need it!’

‘Our skin doesn’t even GET red.’

‘SILENCE! I need it!’”

No, really. These are things we can buy.

Obviously you’ll also need the $34 brush to apply it — you can’t just throw it on your fat face like a goddamn animal. So a “slenderized” face can be yours for the bargain price of $58!

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The Elusive Self-Esteem Boost and a Therapeutic Three-fer

tumblr_nxv8fb4zS71r3iw3do1_500.gifIf you’ve never had a day where you look in the mirror and think, “GodDAMN, I look good,” I highly recommend it.

Spring and summer clothes and weather really are my wheelhouse. I’ll also be buying more of this new makeup (aptly made by Tarte) and thanking the gods of hair for blessing my rolled-outta-bed coif today.

Sometimes a plan just comes together, and today it did, in the form of my unplanned FINE ass.

“Give it up, boys and girls. Admit it. I look GOOD!” (Don’t judge me, Bette is my jam.)

P.S. I went to therapy tonight, and one of the first things she said to me, unprompted, was, “You look wonderful!” So there you go, y’all — my cuteness is verified by a licensed professional. (My brain went full Cady-Heron-in-the-black-dress: “I KNOW, right?!”)

P.P.S. Tonight’s agenda: Therapy, takeout food, and Scandal. So basically a therapeutic three-fer.

I’d never pay that much for an orgasm

One of my other goals this year is “Get my money right,” because I’m SUPER tired of being broke, so I’m trying to trim expenses where I can.

I’m on the Sephora site getting my face wash (which is pricey, but pleases me daily, and lasts forever, and gets supplemented with cheaper products, and it is my FACE, and I’m aging fairly well, so don’t judge me, whippersnappers)…*deep breath* Ahem.

So I was also going to buy my blush, because it’s running out, too.

Um, yeah, NARS Orgasm blush is 30 goddamn dollars. Nooope. I could swear last time I bought it, it was $22 — still not cheap, but not $30.

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Christ, I’ll just give myself an actual orgasm every day before work. Or, you know…I could go get some $3 blush at Target. Whichever…

P.S. With my purchase, I got a bunch of fancy samples, so now I also have new moisturizer and lipstick, so I don’t have to buy those, so really, this purchase is a budget win. [/rationalization]

I probably won’t end up naked, though.

I’m certainly not the first to observe this, but going to a job interview is like going on a first date.

Like, “This, right here? The smooth, curled hair and the makeup and the dress and the tights? Yeah, I will NEVER look like this when shit gets real.”

I should be able to interview in jeans and a plain white t-shirt, with wet-from-the-shower hair tossed up in a half-ass ponytail, wearing sunscreen and Chapstick as makeup. That is how I will look if I work for/date you.*

It’s like Chris Rock said: “You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting THEM — you’re meeting their representative!”