Spackle your feelings with face cream!

Friend: “Do you ever buy new skincare and get super excited to try it, because just maybe it will fix your skin and all your problems?

“I went to Sephora today.”

Me: “Pretty much every time. I’m actually excited FOR you.”

Friend: “I got a sample of this and I’m very excited to try it. [preview ink]”

Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even click it yet, but fucking TIGER GRASS. NICE.”

‘What IS it?’

‘Fuck if I know, put it on my FACE.’”

Friend: “EXACTLY. It’s the grass of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight…”

Me: “‘It’s only $18! I need it!’

‘Our skin doesn’t even GET red.’

‘SILENCE! I need it!’”

Johnnie Walker “Something Blue”

Wow. Way to target your email to my EXACT needs.

Fancy spa services for two?! Query, though: What kind of spa treatments can you give my life partner, Johnnie Walker? I mean, I’ll bring him, I just have questions.

And my “idyllic wedding venue?” So…there’s a courthouse inside your hotel? And Stephen Colbert is my officiant? And then there’s a dance floor my besties and I can tear up? And then pancakes after? Nice! Let’s do this! 

 

“Think Birchbox meets Bill Nye.”

Via MTV News:

“When Cristina McAllister was growing up, it was hard to find a science kit for girls that wasn’t just a make-your-own make-up or soap kit. Meanwhile, the kits marketed to boys had all kinds of cool and complicated experiments just across the toy store aisle.

“Years later, McAllister is working hard doing real-life science as a biologist and … decided to make Stembox, a monthly-subscription box of real science-y goodness delivered right to your door. Think Birchbox meets Bill Nye.”  

The family that medicates together, stays together.

Dear Pharmaceutical Companies,

If you created a special antidepressant for Family Time, maybe something with quaaludes in it, and insisted it be taken with a shot of Jäger for maximum efficacy, I would ask my doctor if it was right for me, and would gleefully give you all my money.

I suggest calling it Lextrapro, but obviously you already have your own splendid ad strategies, so feel free to Don Draper this shit as you see fit.

Just something to think about while you’re working on more erection pills.

Best,
Smug

Dear Whole Foods, I have questions…

So no one on the marketing team saw any problem with this?

Because yeah, I want that in my mouth. And it would be quite joyful, indeed. But come (heh) on (heh)…

Worst Little Whorehouse in Texas.

I’ve been combing through everything I’ve ever written, updating my resume and cover letter, and preparing to send it all to prospective employers. I am so mentally exhausted from “selling myself.” I don’t know how prostitutes do it. I haven’t even had to fuck anyone, merely blow them verbally, and I am BEAT. Kudos, ladies.

Gagging on my toothbrush this morning actually reminded me that I have limited prospects in prostitution as a fallback career. I’m going to have to find a job more suited to my shallow-throated skill set. Or, you know…just be an small-dick-only prostitute. But I have a feeling that’s an untapped (heh) market for a reason — no dude is gonna go to the small-dick-exclusive whorehouse. Worst niche ever.