Organizing for Orgasm

Texting a friend about my plans to do some home organization this weekend…

Curse you, men, with your stronger arms and longer fingers…

“I don’t really NEED to be on dating apps, I’m fine being single.”

“You just got bored while masturbating.”

“…Shit.”

“I’ll be in my bunk.”

Oh.

OH, my…

Ahem.

Cool, so… I’m gonna spend my Sunday…ummm…”worshiping.” AS THE GOOD LORD INTENDED.

That’d be the WORST gingerbread cookie…

In a list of his favorite comedians, a man on Match writes, “Louis CK (don’t care).”

Oh, OK, cool, thanks for saving me time thinking you might NOT be garbage.

My profile says something like, “I used to love Louis CK but now I can only see him as a creepy ginger jerking off.”

Doing Myself Care

Well, shit. That sounds way better than what I WAS gonna do this weekend…

Today is the new National Masturbation Day

Good morning. Work is canceled, today is for masturbation now. If Shaun T doesn’t work for you, feel free to look elsewhere — you do you (literally).

Come like no one’s watching.

Bwah ha ha… “Stop performing. Stop acting. You’re no actress. You work in Accounts Payable.”

Via Very Smart Brothas: Ask Agatha: I Can’t Orgasm During Sex. What Should I Do?

I have achieved Peak Maturity.

I should’ve moved faster with the two OkCupid guys I’ve been messaging with, so when Dude I’d Been Dating got back from vacation and texted to see if I can hang out this weekend, my response could’ve been, “Oh! You’re still here? Sorry, no, I have two dates this weekend.”

Kidding. Mostly. It’ll be good to have that talk. Fine. FINE!

I also think we should have sex one more time BEFORE we talk, because I have a vivid masturbation fantasy that takes place on his couch and I’d like to see how that pans out in reality, but we’ll see what happens.

He’s SO hot, though…

Today on Twitter…

Thanks in advance for my multiple orgasms.

Dear David at the Barnes & Noble Café in Plymouth Meeting, PA,

I hadn’t been planning to masturbate tonight, but upon sight of you, now I realize I must. Thank you for your inspiration. You are my clitoral muse.

Best,
The Blushing Woman/Cold Brew & Scone

P.S. Couldn’t help but notice your finger didn’t have a ring on it. Those are my second favorite kinds of fingers. Give me a call, I’ll show you how we make ’em my first favorite.

EDIT: Goddammit! What a tragic waste of being asked, “Room for cream?”!