I have achieved Peak Maturity.

I should’ve moved faster with the two OkCupid guys I’ve been messaging with, so when Dude I’d Been Dating got back from vacation and texted to see if I can hang out this weekend, my response could’ve been, “Oh! You’re still here? Sorry, no, I have two dates this weekend.”

Kidding. Mostly. It’ll be good to have that talk. Fine. FINE!

I also think we should have sex one more time BEFORE we talk, because I have a vivid masturbation fantasy that takes place on his couch and I’d like to see how that pans out in reality, but we’ll see what happens.

Thanks in advance for my multiple orgasms.

Dear David at the Barnes & Noble Café in Plymouth Meeting, PA,

I hadn’t been planning to masturbate tonight, but upon sight of you, now I realize I must. Thank you for your inspiration. You are my clitoral muse.

Best,
The Blushing Woman/Cold Brew & Scone

P.S. Couldn’t help but notice your finger didn’t have a ring on it. Those are my second favorite kinds of fingers. Give me a call, I’ll show you how we make ’em my first favorite.

EDIT: Goddammit! What a tragic waste of being asked, “Room for cream?”!

Champagne? Super, Nova!

Great news, you guys — I’m getting married!

His name is Nova, which translated loosely from the Spanish means: “You ain’t gon’ be able to go NOwhere when we’re done.”

We’re registered at Bed Bath & Beyond, but we really only need extra bedsheets and towels, so y’all best hustle to make sure no one snags the good stuff and leaves you stuck with, like, one lone pillow sham.

Oh, and if you could also send the traditional celebration pizza now, that’d be super. I’m STARVING, but I can’t move, and Nova’s not so great in the kitchen. But no matter — he’s my best friend and my soulmate, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. ❤️

Masturbation for my nation.

I’m watching Creed, but it’s hard to hear over my copious masturbation whenever I see Michael B. Jordan with his shirt off. I have such a lady boner for my country right now. He probably has patriotism in his pants. UNF — let freedom RING, y’all. 🇺🇸 

P.S. Hey, I grew up on that street! Or “shtreet,” I suppose, in keeping with the parlance of my people. #RespectTheJawn #EastCoastSwang

Not that it’s a competition, but…

Earlier today, my married-couple friends welcomed their beautiful new baby into the world.

However, today, I:
1. Looked in my purse for something else and found a brownie I forgot I’d bought yesterday.
2. Worked Cyrano de Bergerac into a blog post about OkCupid and oral sex.
3. Did such a good job masturbating while thinking about Scott Foley that now I’m gloriously exhausted and am just going to stay in bed.

So, I mean, really, who had a bigger day?