Mercury in retrofuck

Y’all. Y’aaaaaalllll…

I hadn’t planned to post again, but I went back to Match after the last post, aaand… I don’t goddamn remember the clever blog pseudonym I gave this dude while we were dating, but we dated, and it didn’t end well, and since that end (which was…2014? 15?*), he has:

1. Left a Christmas gift on my doorstep while I wasn’t home. It was maybe June and I’d told him repeatedly since Christmas that I didn’t feel right accepting the gift, because HI. BREAKUP.

2. Texted and Facebook messaged just to say hey. (I ignored him every time.)

3. Made me realize I have, like, six boundaries and, in the month we dated, he’d disrespected them all.

Oh, and I later realized he’s kind of a racist. Not, like, a Klan racist — he wasn’t motivated enough to attend meetings — but one of those hometownie racists that only tells the racist jokes to white people because he thinks the white people are with him.

So. Obviously when I went back to Match, GUESS WHO HAD LIKED MY PROFILE.

What, from the bottom of my heart, THE FUCK?

I’m gonna go throw my phone in a river.

* EDIT: I just went back in WordPress and found out it was actually 2013. Jesus Christ.

I’m no geography buff, buuut…

Sorry, man. I can’t date anyone who doesn’t know where they live.

I think what you’re looking for in a username is “NotPhillyNotEvenTheSameState,” but I guess I can see where that would get unwieldy.

SWM seeks unicorn

1. This Match profile has SO many layers of weird.

2. Can’t imagine why dude is divorced.

I am nothing if not formal and proper…

BRB, changing all my dating profile pics…

“That’s what relationships are all about, Charlie Brown.”

There’s something so gross about dating profiles in which men say they want to spoil their girlfriends. Or even better, “spoil my lady.” 🤢

Fuck you, dude, I can spoil my damn self. I need YOU to go down on me and do the dishes.

“Any questions?” Oh, SO many questions!

My brain on online dating: “Have I told you lately that you’re an undateable garbage monster?”

Also my brain on online dating: “Mm hm, sure have — several times, actually. Also, shut the fuck up, I’m trying to get us laid here.”

Lady on the street but a freak in the bed

This seems like a whole lotta words in an online dating profile when you could just SAY “willing to try butt stuff.”

The power of Chardonnay compels you!

We all know I have weird anxiety about answering online dating messages, so…I’m-a just start drinking this bottle of wine, plop my laptop in front of me, and see if I l get inspired.

What could possibly go wrong?

A Match Made in My Pants

Heh. What a coincidence — I also like Dick.

Slutty von Slutwhore is lurking in the wings…

I’m not GONNA give my friends access to my dating apps so they can handle the correspondence and I won’t freeze up and feel like stress vomiting when I try talking to people I WANT to answer.

 

But I’ve definitely considered it.

 

I’m not sure what I’m scared of, exactly, but it’s definitely fear. Of WHAT, Brain? Effort? Failure? Success?

 

Christ. This is gonna be a LONG year in therapy. She’s already told me, “You can just DATE them, you don’t have to have sex with them,” and I…do not understand that boundary. I’ve waited too long — if a man touches me the right way, I’m-a fuck him. I won’t even WANT to, my body will just DO it, and then I’ll feel bad about it, and then we can talk about THAT in therapy. It’s the Circle of Slut Shame, Simba!