That’d be the WORST gingerbread cookie…

In a list of his favorite comedians, a man on Match writes, “Louis CK (don’t care).”

Oh, OK, cool, thanks for saving me time thinking you might NOT be garbage.

My profile says something like, “I used to love Louis CK but now I can only see him as a creepy ginger jerking off.”

The Berenstain Bears and the Derivative Sadist

Remember the unfunny comedian from Match.com I dated briefly? The one who put a little too much “S” in his “S&M?”

He’s apparently on OKCupid, too, and just looked at my profile. Gah! See, this is why I’m glad I don’t have profile photos. Well, PART of why.

Surprising no one, his username on OKC is swiped from another (funnier) comedian’s bit. And what’s sad is, I’m probably the only woman on Earth who’d know that. Between the psychosis and the standup, I’m probably his soulmate. Damn shame about the terrible sex. (Kidding. He was also just an asshole.)

Keep on creepin’ on.

Series of messages from a guy via OKCupid…

Saturday night:
10:31 pm: “Hello invisible lady. How is it going tonight?” (“Invisible lady” because I don’t have a photo.)
10:32 pm: “[Town I live in] isn’t too far!”
10:34 pm: “Can I hear a dirty joke from you tonight? B-)”
10:51 pm: “Could we get to know each other?”

Yesterday morning:
11:18 am: “Good morning… Do I hear back from you?”

Last night before bed:
12:36 am: “Hi there… Not sleepy tonight?​”
12:46 am: “Are you around?​”

Congratulations on being the impetus for me learning how to block people on OkCupid.

I realize English is probably not his first language. Stalking transcends those barriers.

By the way, I didn’t upload a photo because I’m sort of just browsing, not seriously looking, and I didn’t want creepy bastards sending me messages like I had on Match.com. But when you don’t have a photo, apparently the CREEPIEST bastards send you messages. I’ve gotten several, none worth replying to. But maybe dudes think I must have fairly screwed-up self-esteem to not even rustle up ONE photo, so maybe I’ll just fuck a stalker if he tries?

Also, this guy has only one photo, and it’s of him wearing a surgical mask in an operating room with about five other people, also in surgical masks. You might think “Ooh, doctor!,” but I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know that if I interact with this guy, I’m gonna wake up in a stranger’s bathtub with amnesia and one less kidney.

P.S. If you wondered, “B-)” is a cool-guy smiley with sunglasses, which auto-formats in some venues, but not in the OKC email system, so you just look like an asshole. And that’s why you shouldn’t communicate with emojis.

Summer’s Eve presents “A Douchey Christmas Carol”

Fun fact: my smartphone remembers contact info for EVERYONE I’ve ever called, texted, or emailed. Even if I’ve deleted them, even if I want to forget I ever knew them, their names can pop up all phantom-like when I’m trying to contact someone else.

I Googled this, and I can fix it if I reset my phone and lose all my photos and settings. Or I can deal with every Match.com asshole I ever talked to haunting my phone like Ghosts of Douchebags Past.

Excellent.

Match.com, my ass. Oh, wait…

Drunk enough to revisit Match.com.

Sober enough to remember how many of my potential suitors there wanted to put things in or around my ass. Quickly deleted account again.

“Looking for the one” is apparently Match code for “looking for the one who’s into buttsex.”