It’s possible I just need a pet.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be talking to this OkCupid guy if he didn’t have an adorable black dog with blue eyes named Oliver who likes to snuggle.

But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor.

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Fuzzy Wuzzy was unaware

A Facebook friend posted about how silly she was for being eager to get her period when she was around 11, and her male friend said, “Yeah, for men it’s shaving — when we were kids, we couldn’t wait to grow facial hair, but it’s such a hassle.”

Oh. Oh, honey…

*clasps hands*

Putting aside the non-visible symptoms of menstruation — bloating, cramps, irritability, etc…

What, pray, happens if you don’t shave for a week? You get fuzzier, no? Perhaps you get a little squirrely, maybe you need a trim?

But I’m gonna GUESS that if you just ignore that “hassle” for a week, and take no action whatsoever, you can probably still be seen in public.

Lemme just TRY to ignore my period for a week, to take no action, and go to work. Or on a date. Grocery shopping. The gym. Does that sound like a LITTLE more of a “hassle?”

Your wanton erections are probably a closer comparison. Or maybe if once a week your dick just leaked ejaculate for 5-10 days straight? Or, you know, if it just…bled?

Run along, sir. You’re needed at the Faulty Metaphor Factory.

“Maybe I’ll change her mind with thinly veiled anger and insults…” 🖕🏼

When you dare ignore their first OkCupid message, sometimes men send followups.

I AM a humorless therapy-goer, but mofo ain’t sexy. Trust.

Dammit. There goes my soulmate…

I saw this in a man’s OkCupid profile, and… Is this a big enough issue for men that y’all need to disclaim it away up front?


Are there women out there all, “Get you a man who’s been in a gang/jail and has no job?”

But hey, good on you, sir — establishing your boundaries and managing my expectations. Ahem…I guess…

Always happy to avoid conversation

On Thursday, the guy I’d been dating texted to ask if I had time to hang out this weekend. I said I did, but we didn’t make actual plans, and I haven’t heard from him yet.

So I think he was right in saying “we want different things.” I want to be ACTUAL friends with benefits, not the “beck and call girl” of a dude who forgets about me until his dick gets bored.

At least this means we don’t have to get together to discuss the terms of our fuck-buddy-ship — we’re Facebook friends and that’s it. No travel, no feelings, no shaving!

I’m not actually too hurt by this. It’s nice to be sure of something I’d mostly already decided.

I have achieved Peak Maturity.

I should’ve moved faster with the two OkCupid guys I’ve been messaging with, so when Dude I’d Been Dating got back from vacation and texted to see if I can hang out this weekend, my response could’ve been, “Oh! You’re still here? Sorry, no, I have two dates this weekend.”

Kidding. Mostly. It’ll be good to have that talk. Fine. FINE!

I also think we should have sex one more time BEFORE we talk, because I have a vivid masturbation fantasy that takes place on his couch and I’d like to see how that pans out in reality, but we’ll see what happens.