WordPress is watching you.

WordPress is kind enough to track the search terms that lead people to my page.

Here are a few:

• “Miranda Lambert slutty” (If by “slutty,” you mean “fabulous.”)
• “Kerry Washington receiving oral sex” (I wish I didn’t want to see this, but I’d totally watch for at least a few minutes.)
• “Anal smug” (Nooope.)
• “americanwomanfuck” (Yes, please.)
• “woman on top sex positions” (yes, please, pretty please?)
• “glad I don’t have balls” (Always.)
• “Netflix and chill pajamas” (THAT’S THE DREAM!)

I love you all, you depraved bastards.

Her axle is decidedly not draggin’.

DAMN, girl!

Three things:

1. Looks like I’ll have to go buy Cosmo for the first time in 100 years.

2. I love how the cover encourages women to “UP YOUR CASH FLOW”…right next to her boobs.

3. I can’t WAIT to get my new 2016 ass. I really hope it arrives in time for New Year’s.

Via E! Online: Miranda Lambert Still Figuring Out “What Happened” During Her Marriage to Blake Shelton That Led to Divorce

Happy Thanksgiving!

A few things I’m thankful for this year, in no particular order:

1. All y’alls. (Or, in the words of my native people, “all-uh-yas.”)
2. Kids who aren’t mine.
3. Shonda Rhimes and Jenny Lawson.
4. Miranda Lambert and Anna Nalick.
5. “Silver Linings Playbook.”
6. Therapy and progress therein.
7. Prescription drugs.
8. My friends — “Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD, the East Coast fam-i-ly.” (Yep. Said it. Deal with it.)
9. Four straight days with no alarm clock.
10. Gravy.

There are more, but those are my favorites. Enjoy your day, guys. Gravy be with you. (And also alcohol, because let’s be honest…)

Miranda Lambert is my new BFF

a) This is basically how I imagine myself looking and sounding when I sing this song in my car. (Delusions of WHAT, now?)

b) I am going to need that dress, like, IMMEDIATELY. Damn, girl — HIPS. Let’s be BFFs and share clothes. I would wear the similar hell out of that.

c) Now that they’re divorcing, can I also bang Blake Shelton?

“Hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady…”

I am obsessed with this song — it’s my new Sassy Strut/car singing/Pull Yourself Together song. In addition:

a) Miranda Lambert looks better unkempt than I do when I bring my capital-A game. I need more eye makeup, like, immediately.

b) I’m pretty sure I’ve HAD this conversation with my mother.

c) You can write it off because it’s country music, but it’s a bawdy, curvy, big-haired blonde sangin’ ’bout drankin’, and that there is some of my favorite comfort music. (For obvious reasons.) This song is the twangy, guitar-driven equivalent of “Conceal, don’t feel” — Miranda Lambert is basically Elsa, and you KNOW that movie would’ve been way better with whiskey and pills.