Netflix made me do it.

I just noticed a Netflix miniseries about a grandfather in Ohio they tracked down and put on trial for being a particularly evil Nazi prison guard, and HELL, YES, “add to my list,” even after I spent my weekend being gutted by Unbelievable and American Son and no, really, men who might like me, I SWEAR I’m fun.

This is “Us.”

I mean…Yeah, sure. I’m home alone on a literal dark and stormy night — why WOULDN’T this be my choice of entertainment?

(And yes, I still get Netflix discs because I am An Old. Blow me and then get off my lawn.)

I’m just saying, my standards are skewed.

Friend with Children: “Is the movie kid-friendly?”

Me: “I mean, *I* think so, but I also first heard Denis Leary when I was 10, and had Freddy Krueger nightmares well into my 30s because I saw that movie around age 8, so let me double check online…”

Hm… And HOW old was I when I found the VHS porn and that book about the G-spot in Mom’s room?

(Explains a lot, doesn’t it?) 🙂

Sweet Home Anxiety

I’m watching Sweet Home Alabama, and even when I saw it in the theater, when he takes her into Tiffany and tells her to “pick one” engagement ring, I got anxious. That’s too many choices, I’ll be here for 14 hours. YOU pick one. I’m-a go get a pretzel.

(And by “YOU pick one,” I mean pick one at Kohl’s and use the rest of the money to take us to Italy.)

(OK, fine, not really Kohl’s — I’m not THAT bad. But he’d know which friends to call.)

A little freaky for 9 a.m., Netflix…

😳

Um…

SWF seeks SM more interesting than crime

Time for another edition of Stump the Therapist!

Therapist: “So why are you avoiding dating?”

Me: “I don’t know… For me, online dating has never resulted in meeting men more interesting than my couch. Like, this past weekend, would I have rather been on a date than at home watching that Michael Jackson documentary? No. So apparently I just need to find a man who’s more appealing than a 4-hour movie about child molestation? And it’s a much higher bar than I assumed it would be.”

Therapist: [laughs] “…Wow, I actually have no idea how to respond to that.”

WIN.

Show your work here, Netflix.

Um…

Hey, Netflix?

🙋🏻‍♀️

The hero we goddamn DESERVE

I heard fan boys got pouty, so I had to do my part to ensure the lady hero gets her (well deserved) OBSCENE opening weekend total.

Sisterhood ✔️

No-talent assclown, never even won a Grammy…

Me: “My scale still hasn’t moved, but I can see and feel changes in my body, so I know the scale is just being a jerk.”

Therapist: “I’m glad you blame the scale. Some people blame themselves, thinking they have to exercise more often or restrict their diets more.”

Me: “No way. Why should *I* change? He’s the one who sucks.”

Aaand that’s how I decided to name my scale Michael Bolton.

Maxed Outrage

Oh, fuck you, Netflix.

Read the room, man, DAMN — today is for cartoons and British people baking. I’m at capacity on political shit right now.