You did the fuck NOT.

Via The Guardian: San Jose Mercury News says sorry for ‘insensitive’ Simone Manuel headline.

You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.

I stand corrected. (And agape.)

“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!

It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…became the first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”

*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps! 

Just…REALLY?

RECOGNIZE.

Oh, sorry, were you looking for your mic? 

This young lady just dropped it.

Via the Lean In Facebook page…

Bend Him Like Beckham

I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”

Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.

Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.

Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.

* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.

#cocky #literally

Re-blog: 7 Incredibly Inventive Names For Masturbation To Use ASAP

May is National Masturbation Month, so get on it, patriots, and call it something cute. ‪#‎murrica‬

Via Huffington Post: 7 Incredibly Inventive Names For Masturbation To Use ASAP 

 

“America! FUCK, yeah!” indeed.

I just learned that today is International Day of the Female Orgasm.

Right, then. Someone FedEx me a well-endowed Spaniard so we can form a lovely United Nations of Nudity. I am all about fostering amicable international relations. I’ll do it for my country, my country wants me to.

Olé, people.