You know, I’d started to think there was nothing anyone could say that would shock me at this point in our public discourse.
I stand corrected. (And agape.)
“Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American”?!
It’s not even just that they didn’t bother to name her, or that they made it sound vaguely hooker-y. It’s also: “WOW! This white male who already had 20 gold medals* made history. And also… I mean, pfft, whatever, some black girl did something too. I guess she…becamethe first African American woman to win an individual Olympic swimming gold or whatever? But he’s white and has a dick, and his name is giant clickbait, so Phelps ahoy!”
*I understand 20 gold medals is a huge deal, and adding four more is historic. More for you, Michael Phelps, you GO, Michael Phelps!
I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”
Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.
Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.
Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.
* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.