Cognitive dissonance runs in the family.

My mother: “You really should watch your weight — too much salt and sugar will kill you.”

Also my mother: “Here’s a link to a bunch of pumpkin-flavored shit on sale at Williams Sonoma.”

👍🏼

That’s probably not what they meant…

Oh, trust — my mother inspires nearly ALL my gin consumption. #ginspiration

I might also need THIS shirt, but it’ll be my little secret that “it” = “anxiety and half an eating disorder.”

BOY, BYE. 🖕🏼

The other day my mother told me she thinks he should be acquitted, because “It was the ’70s, that was just what happened.”

MY MOTHER.

But also, this particular conviction was for some 2004 shit, so you can fuck right the hell off, MOM. (I seriously might call her.)

‪I don’t talk in therapy as much as my mother just talked to me about Beanie Babies.‬

Quotable therapist: “I promise, you don’t hit menopause and automatically become a Republican.”

You heard it here, folks.

#science