Too cold, fuck you, don’t wanna.

It occurs to me that, to combat my seasonal bullshit brain, I may have to stop sleeping naked under 400 blankets. I live in a drafty old house and despise getting out of bed even more than usual when it gets cold outside, because I hate feeling cold air on my ass, so I just…don’t get out of bed. Too cold, fuck you, don’t wanna.

Oh, darn. Looks like I’ll have to go buy MORE adorable pajamas. Like…FOR MY HEALTH, really. FOR MORALE.

(Probably also window treatments and a space heater, but it’s more fun to focus on cute pajamas.)

Breast isn’t always best

All I’m sayin’ is, your tits are bigger than mine, sir, so if I’M not allowed to be topless in public, YOU shouldn’t be, either.

Why…ARE you…?

“Hey, Smug, how’s online dating going?”SO glad you asked, gentle reader!

This man’s stomach is screwing up my evaluation process.

Email to friends: “Usually if I see a dude on OkCupid with shirtless selfies in his profile, I pass, but, um… a) I want to lick this guy’s stomach, and b) DOG!”

 

P.S. I blurred his face to post the pic here — he’s not some super weird self-face-blurring shirtless dude.

Harry Potter and the Order of Dick Wizards

During a text conversation evaluating the things we like best about being naked together, New Person told me I’m “a wizard with [my] tongue.”

So…yeah. Sending in my Hogwarts application today.

Also: “Weeeeee are the champions, my friiieeeennnnnds…”

P.S. Don’t care if he’s exaggerating to feed my ego. I am a Dick Wizard.

I’ve been digitally Naked Manned

First message from a man on OkCupid whose only profile photo is a bathroom mirror selfie… of his butt-naked body with his penis obscured by a Photoshopped flesh-colored oval: “You have really nice photos! Very pretty and cute, and sexy! I just wanted to tell you that and yes I meant what I said. I hope you dont get mad but your photos turn me on so much.”

I’m confused. Why would I think you didn’t mean it?  Of course you meant it — you’re trying to put parts of you into parts of me. It would hurt your cause to be like, “You’re hideous and make my dick soft.”

Besides, I KNOW my photos are cute — that’s why they’re my photos.

Your naked body isn’t bad to look at, sir. Thanks for that. Let us retreat to our respective spank banks and call it a day.

I need. To see. Your FACE.

Honestly, I MIGHT have sex with you! But you need to have a face! I can’t know if I’ll want to kiss your dick if I can’t tell if I’d kiss your face.

Get a face.

P.S. I’m a little embarrassed at how long it took me to realize his message could easily be copy/pasted and sent to a million other women. I’ll give him credit for that. And for his body, because JAY-sus — dude has a better curve on his ass than I do on mine.

In which I equate my vagina with a Slip ‘N Slide

There’s a “self summary” section at the top of each OkCupid profile. The end of mine says: “I’m attracted to friends and romantic prospects who use their words. I don’t know what to do with first messages that only say ‘hey’ or ‘hi,’ and will delete them immediately. But getting them at least helps me quickly discern who’s reading about me as an actual human, versus who just looks at photos and wants to do naked things to me.”

On average, I still get one “hey,” “hi,” or “hello” each day. Almost always lowercase, no punctuation.

Since no one reads it, anyway, I might as well include the REAL explanation: “I am incredibly turned on by wit and language, and you can transform my ladybits into the world’s best/worst Slip ‘N Slide just by giving good email. Just ‘hi’ not only keeps my panties ON, it makes me want to go to JCPenney and buy some of those high-top beige cotton draw’s that, on a person as short as I am, can be pulled up far enough to tuck the waistband under my bra and fashion a really upsetting onesie. Use your words, be nice to servers, nibble the back of my neck, tend to my vagina with gusto, know what ‘gusto’ means, get yourself laid.”

I’m really not a difficult puzzle to solve.

Advantage: Breasts

Because computer dudes are that brand of sexy-hot-smart that makes my software tingle, I’m really not trying to generalize, so…#NotAllNerds.

But it’s always amazing to me what I can get accomplished in my IT department with a tight sweater and a smile. They even let me eat their candy. (Not a euphemism.)

Let the record show I’d get naked with at least one of them, so I’m not JUST using my feminine wiles to get tech support. It’s just a happy bonus.

Walking around naked. Like ya do.

The other day, my amazing friend* ran a body confidence class at the sex shoppe (yep, shoppe). For “homework,” she assigned us to go home and spend an hour naked, checking out our bodies, noting the good, disregarding the bad, and just getting comfortable seeing them.

So I just emailed her and said, “Just letting you know I’m walking around naked. Carry on.”

Not gonna lie, I’m NOTICING the bad. (“Really? Those are my boobs? Huh…”) But overall, I’m kind of adorable.

Also, the heat in my house is up to like 80 degrees because brrrrr.

Also, I may have strange friendships. But they’re the best.

* FYI, the friend is the lovely and talented Yvette St. James, and you should follow her on Twitter and attend all her classes because they’re super fun and informative.

I’m only human, people.

Oh. Well, hell, OkCupid guy… If you’re gonna be cute, nerdy, tall, AND writing me a coherent intro message telling me I’m funny? I really see no way out of writing you back.

I’m telling everyone “friends first,” because first off, if he’s just trying to get his dick wet, he won’t write back, and also, I am petrified of actually dating, but I feel OK about slowly getting to know someone and seeing what happens. (And if it happens that he’s nice and likes cake and we end up naked after a few dates, I feel OK with that as well.)