The State of the Stupid Address

Last night I checked out the profile of a man who lives in Hella Far, NJ, but didn’t say anything, ’cause…Hella Far. Plus I just wasn’t interested.

But OkCupid shows you who’s viewed your profile, so today he looked at mine, then sent this message: “You seem very cool, but you are quite far away…ideas??”

Well, um… My idea was to not talk to you. That seemed like a solid solution. But OK, cool — BRB, have to go change geography or build a teleporter.

Dude… You know people can SEE what you say on public sites, right?

Screen Shot 2016-09-07 at 5.29.09 PM.pngSo this is a town I used to live in and (now extra) thankfully left far behind.

Via NJ Candidate to Daily Beast Reporter: ‘Hope You Get Raped by a Syrian Refugee.

I chose the Jezebel piece because it has screenshots of what he actually said, which my local source probably couldn’t print because it’s goddamn vile. But if you have a minute, please DO check out the article and get a gander at his HANDWRITTEN resignation letter (ON BLUE PAPER. IN ALL CAPS):
Screen Shot 2016-09-07 at 5.31.59 PM.png

You are running for TOWNSHIP COMMITTEE in a small town in South Jersey—maybe don’t step to a journalist at a well-known NATIONAL news site with your psychotic, poorly punctuated bullshit? It still counts as a threat if you write like a first grader, shitheel.

Mentally awash in acid wash

I just heard “Livin’ on a Prayer” on my Internet radio at work, and even though actually dancing on my desk is frowned upon, there was some serious gyrating and hair tossing in my head, and my desk chair got the ride of its life.

#JerseyRepresent #ILiveInPhillyNowButStill

Procrastination Station

New Jersey’s gettin’ a li’l hurricaney this weekend, so yesterday I got an email from the Inflatable 5K I’m supposed to run tomorrow and they’re like, “Fuck you, we’re still doing it, unless there’s lightning.”

And I thought, “Eat a dick, you blowup doll of races.”

But then they emailed today and said, “OK, FINE, you little bitch-baby, you can transfer races and do another one. Coward.”

Procrastination for the win!

#MoreBounceToTheOunce #RockMeLikeAHurricane

“Girl, I’m gonna make you sweat…”

“It’s amazing how short the interval is between, ‘Boy, I can’t wait for summer!’ and, ‘Fuck THIS shit.'”
Christian Finnegan

It’s been far too long since I’ve had a man sweat on me. Fortunately I just walked outside in New Jersey, so it was basically the same idea.

Zero to Snooki in 3.5…

A guy on OKCupid emailed me and said he was surprised to find a “culturally aware, well-read woman” from my hometown.

At first I wasn’t sure what to do with that. Uh…thanks for the…”compliment…?”

I decided it reeked of pretension and ignored him. But the subsequent swearing in my head had a Jersey accent.

(One of the reasons I started hating New Lad was because he talked shit on my hometown. ‘Ey. Fuck you. You’re a Mets fan, man, go fuck yourself.)

I think I’ve found my Starbucks Soulmate.

In the news today: NJ Cop Accused of Lewd Act at Starbucks.

Two things:

1. Sometimes coffee is so good, I have to jerk off, too.

2. This is clearly the barista’s fault. He said “extra foam,” they didn’t make it right, dude had to make his own. Protect and SERVE, people. Protect and serve.