New Year, New (Fuck) You

Definitely what you want during all this “new year, new you” shit is to feel like a failure on Day 1 because last year’s dirty dishes are still in your sink.

Eat a dick, Time.

New meds, who dis?

New year, new me!

 

What? That’s what the expression means, right?

Schrodinger’s Awkward

I’ve been invited to another gathering (New Year’s Day) where I may or may not run into Guy I Dated for a Minute.

This is, like…Schrodinger’s Awkward.

I wrote a quick email essentially saying, “We cool?” It’s probably unnecessary — I’d like to think we’re both adults and could exist in the same room for a few hours. But…fuck it, I am a child, and I need to know. I’m terrible at uncertainty.

EDIT: He replied, said we were “definitely friends” and that he wouldn’t be at the New Year’s party. *nod* Cool. Done and done.

Lion King III: Pride of the Perv

Seen in an OkCupid profile: “I’m a cub looking for my cougar.”

Gahhhhhh. Ew ew ew.

Also… Dude, you’re 35. You ain’t no cub.

All about that baseline

I don’t remember where I heard that the way you bring in a new year sets the tone for the entire year. And I know, the way some people celebrate New Year’s, that would be ridiculous: “I want to spend 2016 drunk and freezing my balls off in Times Square, wearing a stupid corporate-branded hat and squished against a bajillion other people!”**

Still, if that idea is even a little true, I’m kind of OK with spending this year employed (two jobs, even), well rested, well sheltered and warm, reasonably attractive, and having a group of bad-ass, supportive people who love me.

See also: coffee, bourbon, hugs from friends’ kids, lipstick, and cookies.

Sure, there are elements of my life I’m trying to change. But if the above is my baseline, I’m not mad at it.

Happy official new year, you guys. I’m glad y’all are here.

** From a less snarky perspective, “I want to spend 2016 having memorable, once-in-a-lifetime adventures in exciting places with people I love” isn’t such a terrible plan.

Those hats are still the worst, though.

Cheers to a year.

I know it’s Wednesday, but I’ll have more pressing things to think about tomorrow. So here’s a little pseudo-#TBT to celebrate me accomplishing a goal I set LAST New Year’s. It’s one I never thought I’d be strong enough to accomplish: taking the space I needed, identifying unhealthy (read: masochistic) behavior, and realizing that even in a friendship, I’m worthy of effort, especially in a friendship that would’ve required effort to survive.

Since I’ve been forced to think about my “accomplishments” over this past year, let’s hear it for progress. And in the new year, let it continue, along with my other accomplishments/goals.

Let’s do this, Year.

Her axle is decidedly not draggin’.

DAMN, girl!

Three things:

1. Looks like I’ll have to go buy Cosmo for the first time in 100 years.

2. I love how the cover encourages women to “UP YOUR CASH FLOW”…right next to her boobs.

3. I can’t WAIT to get my new 2016 ass. I really hope it arrives in time for New Year’s.

Via E! Online: Miranda Lambert Still Figuring Out “What Happened” During Her Marriage to Blake Shelton That Led to Divorce

Go home, 2013, no one likes you.

Happy New Year’s Eve, all. Be safe in your festivities. Cheers to you, for you are awesome. I love y’all. (Well, except YOU, because you’d make it weird.)

And hey, 2013? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Onward!

Auld Bang Syne

Friend: “You should go on a date with Edward.”
Me: “Nah, I’m gonna try to finish this year without dating — less risk of discovering I suddenly, viciously hate anyone else after I’ve slept with them. Seems like a good general life policy.”

Five more months of sexual deprivation should make for a very happy New Year’s date for whomever is around, though. (There’s a “ball drop” joke here somewhere, but I’m kind of tired.)