Sir Mix-a-Lot didn’t sanction this.

*blink*

 

What the fruit-scented fuck is this?

You’re not the boss of me! Oh…wait…

It’s funny when my brain tries being an asshole like it doesn’t know I have access to pills, bourbon, cheese, chocolate, and pictures of baby animals.

Not today, fuckface.

Vagina burrrn (in a GOOD way!)

Via Sex with Timaree:

I know the difference but still say “vagina” because I am a popular-use conformist. But I love that a dictionary site chimed in to correct this dude.

Also, not just that he corrected a woman, and a gynecologist, but he also went and corrected…The Guardian? Ballsy choice, sir. A ballsy choice about vaginas.

(The whole thing is funny if you have a few minutes to kill.)

Yeah, no…

So far my favorite part of #TakeYourChildtoWorkDay are the notifications from all my child-free coworkers who are also opting to work from home.

Establishing my average cost per issue (CPI)

I spent the day with some family, and just went to text their latest gossip to my sister. But then my brain went, “You really wanna start THAT conversation? Remember, insurance hasn’t started supplementing therapy costs yet.”

Good call, Brain.

This is actually a handy system, minding my mental efforts according to how much it’s going to cost me to fix the anticipated outcome.

Speaking of, who’s proud of me for lying to my stepdad’s face when he asked how my car’s been running? 🙋🏻

Let’s make my ass great again.

Today I learned that my mother weighs herself every day, writes it down, and SAVES IT. I told her that sounds a little unhealthy, and she said, “It’s fine, it’s just that’s one of the only things I can control.”

NOT HELPING YOUR CASE, MA!

They weighed me at the doctor yesterday and it’s more than I’ve ever weighed, by, like, a LOT, so I made the mistake of telling her I need to lose some weight.

“Maybe you and I can do a contest and see who can lose the most weight!”

“Nope. Nooope. Hard pass.”

“Why? I thought that’d be motivation!”

“I am not contributing in any way to you doing that.”

You guys… HOW am I not in an institution?!

BTW, I feel like it’s no coincidence that I’ve gained 25 lbs since January. But fuck THAT — my ass will be great again.

You get NO stars, dickhole.

I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.

 

My name is NO.

Dispatches from the Department of Refusing to Believe an OkCupid Profile is Real…

“Hi there my name is shane i would like to ask you an intriguing and unique idea as long as your an open minded person and don’t mind a thinking outside the box type of idea”

This is not a thing a grown-ass human man wrote. *shaking head* Nope. NOOOPE.

How has some pretty young thing not snapped you up…?

I know I said I would never post photos from a man’s online dating profile, but I feel like you guys will allow me the occasional exception, right?

To reiterate: This is. One of. His online dating profile pics. This is what he’s chosen to entice the ladies.

I guess it’s better than a dirty-mirror selfie…? 

 

Petting Zoosk

The next love of my life could be on Zoosk right now and I’d never know because I refuse to use something called Zoosk.